As the minutes tick away and the days start to fade, I’m constantly taken aback by how much I continue to learn about myself. I’m so proud of how far I’ve come over the past few years, but there are still parts of me I wish I could erase and rewrite. I’ve come to realize that most of the things I want to wish away are pieces of me that have been shaped because of my parents.
As amazing and wonderful as they are, they definitely have had their fair share of mistakes, mishaps, and difficulties – all of which have more or less taken a toll on my life. Etched a mark into my soul that can’t be undone.
My fear of abandonment. My proneness to yelling. My fear of what others think of me. My proneness to sweeping problems under the rug. My fear of cheating. My proneness to feeling inadequate. My fear of never feeling pretty enough. Or smart enough. Or good enough. The list could go on.
All of these things happen to be a byproduct of my parents’ relationship. Of course they didn’t realize it. And I know that if they knew what it was doing to me, and most likely my brothers and sister, they’d stop. But they didn’t. So all of their actions ended up maneuvering their way into my brain.
Now you’re probably thinking, “Well that’s awesome that you know what your faults are!! Now you can work on them.” But it’s definitely not as easy as it sounds.
All the memories I can remember, and even some I don’t, made a beeline straight towards my subconscious, affecting my thoughts and feelings – sometimes without me even being aware of it.
And this is what I’m afraid of for you. I don’t want to unintentionally screw you up. I don’t want to ruin your life and flood your subconscious with crappy fears. I know that it’s bound to happen in some way or another, but I promise you I’ll do my best to shield you from the heartache and pain I’ve had to endure.
Every move, every action, and every word could be locked away in your memory without me even knowing it, which makes me so scared.
It’s tough having a kid because sometimes life gets in the way, and situations happen that get the best of us. But I promise you that if life ever gets the best of me or your dad, we will do our best to handle things the right way.
It’s scary thinking about how much my actions will have an impact on the rest of your lives, but I know that your father and I will love each other so much. We will set good examples. And hopefully our actions and our words and every single move we make will fill your mind with good things instead of bad.