Thought Catalog

Reasons Why I'm Not Going To Hold You After Sleeping With You

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  1. In the morning, I am going to leave anyways. It will probably be while you are still asleep. I will hop around the room trying to avoid the creaky floorboards while I fish my underwear out from under your desk. I will see your mess in the daylight, and hope that you stay in your peaceful, nonobligatory slumber.
  2. You do not want to hold me after we have sex; you just know that is what a Nice Boy does. You honestly probably don’t (or didn’t) want me to stay the night, but being the gentleman that you are could not let me stumble home drunkenly in the middle of the night. I am not going to let you hold me after sex because I get it: I am a burden. I am not going to let you hold me after sex because I would rather commit murder than being labeled as “clingy.”
  3. I probably do not know your last name. Cuddling is one of the most intimate activities two people can partake in. It has developed in our society to be more sacred than sex, and I am not going to do it with you because I met you four hours ago after six gin and tonics and refuse to pretend that this is something that it is not.
  4. Things will be even weirder when I see you at that next party, whether it is tomorrow, next week, or next month. We will give each other a nod from across the room, maybe a little smile, and go about our business. I am not going to let you hold me because I do not need one more stranger who knows every crevice of my body. Or who thinks they know a thing or two about me. Because, well, you don’t. (And it is my prerogative to make that clear to everyone I sleep with.)
  5. Most of all, if I let you hold me after we have sex, there is a very good possibility I will enjoy it. My body will perfectly curve with yours and I’ll feel the warmth of your skin touching mine inch by inch. It is almost certain that this will not turn me on, and that makes it all the worse. I am not going to let you hold me after we have sex because if you do, there’s a chance that for a moment I will see everything I am missing.
  6. I am not going to let you hold me after sex because I cannot bear the emptiness of it. The reality of the fact we are nothing, and this is the life I chose. TC mark
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    • http://twitter.com/mmly emily munroe

      “…and this is the life I chose.” Even though I wish it weren’t true, I’ll be thinking this tomorrow morning, probably.  

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=41508118 Caity Sherlock

      this is perfect. in every way and says everything in my brain right now. thank you…so much!

    • Lindsay

      this is perfect, great piece

    • fancypantz

      Exactly. You get it. Completely.

    • http://twitter.com/iamsubmerged Jordana Bevan

      it’s really appalling that one of the reasons is that cuddling is too intimate to do with a stranger. personally, i love the intimacy of cuddling with someone i’ve only just met (and fucked). it makes the experience whole, makes it feel less empty – even if i know i won’t see the person again.
      these are good reasons not to hold a man who loves sex. they’re also good reasons not to sleep with a man who loves sex. instead, sleep with a man who loves women. he’ll make intimacy beautiful again

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=507159106 Nikki McGillicuddy

        I have to say I agree with the authors sentiments on cuddling.  I do think that in our culture a blow job has become nothing more then “oh, what’s the big deal” type of thing, as compared to cuddling which has become much more rare, good cuddling that is. I mean, anyone can cuddle, but close intimate cuddles are much harder to get than sex.  That’s what the author is trying to communicate that even though cuddles aren’t seen as “sexual”, they are seen as much more intimate than having sex. I’ve known people who will fuck quite a few people, but only kiss someone they really like.

    • Moritz

      I got a little sad,reading this.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=507159106 Nikki McGillicuddy

      Love it . At first it came off as very self hating, and almost jaded, but ended up being quite opposite, well almost. It ended up being very truthful. I feel truth is something a lot of use don’t have the luxury of speaking or hearing. We have to put on a facade, a hard bitch face in order not to seem desperate, and in that act we end up risking the chance of what may have been if we actually were truthful to one another with our real feelings. 
      I feel as if we are all stuck playing a game that none of us want to play but must.

    • JimiJam

      Between the article and the few comments it’s garnered so far, this is a real eye-opener. A twisted, damaged, heartbreaking eye-opener. Don’t blame society’s declining mores as if they’re some sort of law one must follow at all costs. It’s bad enough that anyone should choose to inflict upon themselves such an obviously painful and empty approach to intimacy; that such choices apparently need to be shared not as a warning but as a promotion of such ideals is nothing short of tragic. 

    • mila

      I LOVE THIS!!! Right ON!

    • http://twitter.com/yvonne1503 yvonne

      “I am not going to let you hold me after we have sex because if you do, there’s a chance that for a moment I will see everything I am missing.” Amen to that.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_5WQXSSKAMOU4WCHKCWYMUKKKNU Aladin Sane

      This reminds me of one of my favorite classic rock songs, “You Can’t Put Your Arms Around a Slutty Slut”

    • http://twitter.com/scruzz Shawn

      5 and 6. Yes  yes 
      yes 
      yes 
      yes 
      yes 
      yes. I can have someone tell I’m the most beautiful/awesome/smartest/whatever person in the world, but it won’t mean very much. But cuddling is the one thing that makes me go crazy sauce.

      I guess it’s because you can have sex with someone you don’t know, or really even don’t like. Hell, you could even HATE them (which, for some, is a huge turn on). But to cuddle, you need to actually LIKE someone. You can’t really fake cuddling. Sure, you can give a cold hug here or there. But cuddling is… different.

      I guess at the end of the day, cuddling is a form of physical interaction with EMOTION, where sex doesn’t really need it. But damn is it good when it does.

      • Fat

        dont ever say crazy sauce. again.

        • http://twitter.com/scruzz Shawn

          No. crazy sauce. 
          crazy sauce
          crazy sauce
          crazy sauce
          crazy sauce
          crazy sauce
          crazy sauce
          crazy sauce
          crazy sauce
          crazy sauce
          crazy sauce
          crazy sauce
          crazy sauce
          crazy sauce
          crazy sauce
          crazy sauce
          crazy sauce
          crazy sauce
          crazy sauce
          crazy sauce
          crazy sauce
          crazy sauce
          crazy sauce
          crazy sauce
          crazy sauce
          crazy sauce
          crazy sauce.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1733461220 Corbyn Alexander

      A little myopic no?

    • http://www.facebook.com/PlaceboDomingo Maa' Hes

      Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurotic!

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=849905262 Christine Schioppo

      I never comment on this stuff, but, this is amazing.  Thank you for this.  Thank you for making it seem normal and Im not the only girl in the world that does this.  Thank you thank you thank you.

      • JimiJam

        “normal” is a variable term, just referring to what’s common, average, or perhaps prevalent; “healthy” is not, and though the terms are not mutually exclusive, they don’t often go hand in hand.

    • Anonymous

      snoozeeee

    • Loorax

      Where’s the nihilistic tag?

    • CL

      You kids are too sad. I don’t understand your hook up and move on culture. It seems so cowardly to me and so pointless. You know what’s way more intimate than fucking? Letting yourself actually be seen and possibly accepted just the way you fucking are. Having to get shitfaced to fuck and then having to sneak out is so masturbatory and lonely and sad. 

      • Jonny

        ^Heh, you made me think of Good Will Hunting, thanks. 

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=507159106 Nikki McGillicuddy

        I can totally agree with what you’re saying. I think this generation is really hamming up the “rejected artistically awkward complicated moody disenchanted” victim card. I think some people like hooking up and moving, while others pretend to like to hook up up and move to save face. I really feel most of this alt-generation is monkey see, monkey do, and have just gotten good at pretending to be deeper than they really are.  It’s always been that way, but it’s gotten increasingly worse over the years. 

      • Fat

        it IS masturbatory and lonely and sad…we are all living out our deepest, darkest video games in real life…and in a roundabout way…actually can be fun. for about 30 seconds. reference: Wendy Feng

    • Susan

       This is amazing

    • http://twitter.com/wmfeng Wendy Feng

      I liked the beginning but didn’t appreciate the last few points. Why must we always, ALWAYS feed into the stereotype that girls are needy and just HAVE to have emotional attachment to go with sex? If you think you can’t have casual sex without feeling like it’s “empty”, then don’t hook up! You’re clearly not meant to enjoy casual encounters, so go out and get a boyfriend for god’s sake. Don’t project onto every woman out there who is actually HAPPILY independent, self-sufficient, and truly does not enjoy the emotional clingy sap that society tries to force on us.

      • Hoot Scoot

        This is her story and whether or not you ‘appreciated’ her last few points is well, not the point. You may not agree with her point of view but that’s your perogative. She’s not projecting onto every woman out there- she’s talking about her OWN feelings.

        • http://twitter.com/wmfeng Wendy Feng

          And whether or not I appreciated the points are MY own feelings. As I said, my issue with this is that it’s just adding to the stereotype of women as clingy and needy. And all the comments suggesting that this is somehow true of all women certainly ARE projecting.

        • Fat

          why do i want you to shut up

      • Guest

        meh. even having a boyfriend/girlfriend doesn’t necessarily mean you won’t be used. 

      • Fat

        you sound like an emotionally clingy sap in denial

    • http://stepandfall.blogspot.com/ Lu Han

      <3 

    • Eiz

      “I am not going to let you hold me after sex because I cannot bear
      the emptiness of it. The reality of the fact we are nothing, and this is
      the life I chose.”

      If you the type of person that cannot bear the emptiness after each encounter, why choose it ??  Almost seem like a form of self-flaggelation just to fulfill another stereotypical image of the independent female who can fuck with detached emotions as efficiently as any guy out there…

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Matisse-Jenkins/742298725 Matisse Jenkins

        So if fulfilling ‘another stereotypical image of the independent female’ is a negative, how do you justify saying that ‘any guy out there’ is ’emotionally detached?
        And sex with emotional detachment isn’t everywhere either. Even a one night stand is intimate– you’ve just chosen not to continue the intimacy further. I think you’ll find that truly emotionally detached men aren’t exactly common; guys don’t have to match their societal image perfectly.Feel free to be anti-stereotype– but consider the stereotypes you personally cast on others as well. 

        • Fat

          aw shut the fuck up lol

    • guest

      ” My body will perfectly curve with yours and I’ll feel the warmth of
      your skin touching mine inch by inch. It is almost certain that this
      will not turn me on, and that makes it all the worse.”

      Turns me on. Am I just weird for a girl? I would much rather sleep with someone, even just as a hook up, that wants to cuddle and hang out after than someone who would just kick me out. Seems weird and dehumanizing to just have sex and then never ever talk or cuddle. Just because they aren’t the love of your life doesn’t mean you can’t have a little intimacy with them and treat each other humanely. Or am I missing something? Should it be more dramatic? I’ve had relationships and hook ups and in either case I still enjoy cuddling with the person…

      • John Dowland

        You are eminently sensible. 

      • Littlemisssara

        Cuddling total turns me on and I would be pissed if a guy treated me that way after we had sex, sooo
        this is EXACTLY how I feel as well, and I’m a girl. So I guess we are weird.

    • Lovetospeakout

      Maybe if you stopped drinking, had a little pride in yourself, you would find someone who wants to hold you and not just fuck you.  Men want sex.  Men that can’t get sex love drunk women.  See a counselor, honey.  This is so unhealty.  Sex Addicts Anonymous is a great group that can give you help and support when you are ready.

      • Guest

        if men want sex then how is she supposed to find someone that wants to cuddle then

    • Gracelizabethh

      ‘I am not going to let you hold me after sex because I would rather
      commit murder than beING labeled as “clingy.” ‘

      Was the line-editor hung-over? :)

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