Now That You’re Gone

After you died I opened every window of the Advent calendar you insisted we savor day by day, just like your Nana taught you, and ate every single chocolate under each flap in one go. It was the best way I could think to tell you to screw yourself for leaving me here alone.

For leaving me alone with my mother and your mother and their crying and her creepy photos from when you still had red hair and these f-cking casseroles from all the neighbors who yelled at us for playing our music too loud and my boss who it’s still not that funny that he keeps hitting on me but we used to laugh it off because we needed the money and the friends who are equally as afraid to be around me as they are to leave me alone and everything else that is crappy and isn’t you.

With you gone, I never remember to record Jon Stewart so we can watch them all one Saturday. I forget to rinse the dishes before loading them into the dishwasher, so they always come out crusty and still dirty just like you said they would.

Now that you’re gone, people keep asking me what I’m going to do with your clothes and all your things — if I need help boxing them up. I keep telling them that I was thinking of putting them in display cases and turning the living room into a museum in your honor, but they always look creeped out and I feel sick because that was the kind of thing that would have made you laugh.

I should probably mention that I’m so sorry, but I broke your ugly debate trophy from high school that you were so proud of, I smashed it against the floor, so it probably wouldn’t look very good on display even if I was serious about that idea. I was just so mad — I was wearing the sweater I wore the night you told me that you were sure you had spent your entire life looking for me and I knew I was safe forever — I was so mad because I know now that wasn’t true.

I was so mad because now you’re gone and not here and all I have are your shirts which are losing the smell of you and your damn dog who still sleeps on our bed, and the ring I found in your drawer that you never got to give me.

All I can do it lay here and hold this damn ring and imagine all the things I want to say to you but can’t, and how they all boil down to: F-ck you, I miss you, and I love you — oh, how I love you. TC mark

image – comedy_nose

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  • touchedguest

    beautiful and heartbreaking – my soul aches for your loss. i pray that you can find strength to get through this, and even though i don’t know you…i love you.

  • Anna

    i’m sorry. 

  • Bug

    Honest and heart breaking. I can’t images anything worse. Wishing for strength for you

  • http://jamieshea.blogspot.com JShea

    this means something to everyone who feels hatred in love.
    thank you for sharing this truth.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Sanyukta-Banerjie/1127023186 Sanyukta Banerjie

     At 4 in the morning I am sitting and crying reading this. You write beautifully.

  • guest

    That was monumental, moving and brought me to silent tears. I didn’t even realize I was crying until the end… wishing you comfort.

  • Anonymous

    Absolutely breathtaking… I am so sorry. I love this. I love you. You are beautiful in your words.

  • Zoe

    Anyone who reads this and isn’t crying by the end…. I just don’t know…

  • http://twitter.com/kaimcn Kai

    Wow.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=903990701 Rae Gross

    Wow, really… sad. It made me think about my old debate trophies, and if someone went through my stuff, would they think it was weird that I had kept something like that since HS. Dumb stuff like that are what sometimes hold the essence of the people you love most. 

  • Emily

    I know exactly how you feel. I lost my life-long best friend several years ago. She was so amazing, and I still love her so, so much. But, I absolutely go through phases where I’m just SO angry that she left me, and that I have to live the rest of my life without her.

    So sorry for your loss. No one deserves to lose the people they love.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Riddhi-G-Dastidar/816745483 Riddhi G. Dastidar

    So sorry for your loss. This is beautifully written and I wish you the strength to get through this.

  • Octavia

    Absolutely haunting. I’m so sorry for your loss. 

  • http://www.twitter.com/slhodkin Shayna

    oh and now i’m bawling

  • rose georgia

    i am so so sorry. this was beautiful but i wish that you didn’t have to write it. 

  • Bee

    Thanks

  • N.A.

    fuck

  • Abc123

    :-(

  • Faith

    astoundingly brilliant, sincere condolences. 

  • KK

    it will always hurt. but it gets easier. what helped me was: this too shall pass.

  • I'm so sorry

    Everyone tells you it gets better- losing someone never gets better, but it does get easier. Someday you will be able to wear that sweater and hold that ring and only think about how happy you were, instead of how sad you became. My condolences for your loss.

  • KD

    Absolutely heartrending and beautifully raw. I’m so sorry.

  • JT

    I’m really sorry for your loss. This was beautiful, and made me think of
    how similar everyone’s grief is, no matter who they’ve lost and how.
    And that’s somehow really comforting, to know that we’re not alone and
    for people like you, with creativity and a gift with words, to be able
    to write pieces that makes all of us ache with these bittersweet
    feelings. Thank you.

  • http://twitter.com/vickstahs Vicky Nguyen

    my deepest and most heartfelt condolences for your loss. this was an incredible piece. thank you for sharing it with us.

  • Rebecca

    Damn, this was good, i’m glad you were able to transform some of your grief into something so beautiful.

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