An Open Letter Of Apology From The State Of Florida

Dear America,

Please receive this letter as a formal apology from the State of Florida. It is time we own up to our offenses and try to make amends with the rest of the country.

The most recent event that has spurred us to make reparation was our Miami resident who, on bath salts, decided to munch on another man’s face. Our “zombie” has caused much panic over an impending apocalypse and we cannot condone this kind of behavior in the future.

Also, we were marred earlier this year by a neighborhood watchman and the dangers of wearing a hoodie. Once again we were able to steer your attention to our state for appalling circumstances, and for that we cannot apologize enough. Just as we were hopefully erasing your memory of Casey Anthony, we brought you Trayvon Martin. Sorry.

But we cannot end there. Our apologies should have first started the day Elian Gonzalez landed on American soil and instilled in us the belief that dolphins really do save lives. We had your attention, America, as we pushed and pulled this little guy’s American citizenship. In the end, our beloved Marisleysis lost out and unfortunately, we will never let go of that image of the gun in little Elian’s face on that fateful morning.

But the Sunshine State is better than this! Let us remind you we have the happiest place on Earth. We are the first stop after anyone wins a sports championship. Anything can be forgotten when striding through Magic Kingdom or enjoying a Mickey Mouse ice cream at Epcot, right? What if we reminded you about our new Wizarding World of Harry Potter? Butterbeer, anyone?

Okay and yes we should probably also say our apologies for our treacherous weather. Summer brings humidity, torrential rain and a heat index on par with hell but our falls are great! (As long as your can put aside the fear that a devastating hurricane is always circulating on a path to our destruction.)

Moving on to that whole “hanging chad” thing from 2000. It’s an accomplishment to screw up a presidential election and our state was the one to accomplish that feat. We are not proud of this and we know we probably won’t ever recover from that one, but at least take our apology. Please? Let’s just act like that election never happened.

However, we can’t just focus on our f-ck ups and failure. As a redress for our shortcomings we do offer other great things besides Disney and The Wizarding World. We have manatees. Our ’72 Miami Dolphins still hold the only perfect record in the NFL. Ernest Hemingway’s cats with the six toes are residing peacefully in Key West. Okay, yeah that might be a little weird but everyone loves cats right now so let that be our olive branch to you, America. Cats.

And yes, our phallic shape further hinders the little reputation we have but what other state can boast of an east and west coast? People, we’re really trying here. Our state is good. We swear. Did we mention we have Disney?

We would also like to ask forgiveness for some of our sports shortcomings. Our sports fans are synonymous with the word “bandwagon.” We also have to own up to starting the whole “everyone wear the same shirt to an NBA game” thing but it looks like the rest of you caught on so we did something right! Finally. What about the new Marlins logo? Let’s save that for another apology letter.

And finally we apologize for our resident Mr.305, Pitbull. Just… sorry about that one.

So let’s turn the tide and start over, shall we? Our name means “flowery land” and we even have the oldest city in the US for your tourism consideration. We have a rich history and can only hope for a better tomorrow.

And probably a few more apology letters.

But please come visit us! We have sun, sand, and many other great things to offer. But as a precaution, please remember to pack an extra face mask in your carry on.

Our Sincerest Apologies,
Florida TC Mark

image – USFWS/Southeast

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