6 Things I Want And Need To Believe In

1. That I don’t need a diploma to have a good future.

An amazing instructor once told us in class that employers will never understand how you fought storms and quakes to get that passing grade and will never know that you failed a subject because another one got in the way and you just had to choose one. I will get a teaching job in the near future. Maybe I won’t be a traditional teacher in a traditional classroom because that requires a diploma. But there is a hope that I will be a teacher inside a juvenile center, teaching out-of-school kids how to read and write so when they go out, they’ll be prepared somehow.

2. That life will give me permanent reminders of my past but it doesn’t have to ruin my present.

The self-inflicted scar at the back of my hand has always been a great conversation starter. Some people find my reason for doing it funny and crazy. Others just feel sorry I had to go through it. I, however, don’t find it amusing or sad. I think of the old scars I got from running clumsily when I was still a kid, I got them because I wanted to know how fast I could run. I stumbled, scratched my knee, I found out my limit. That I can only go so far before my lungs or my legs give up. Same goes for this one. It has been keeping me at bay – my lighthouse – so I don’t crash into dreadful heartache again. One scar is enough.

3. That I have touched and will touch the lives of people I meet so I have to make it count every time.

I rode a bus going home on afternoon. This mother walked down the aisle struggling with her baby boy on one arm and bags of clothes, medicine, and milk bottles on the other. I gestured for her to sit beside me and I ended up listening to their story. Prince was the baby’s name and it turned out that the tube going through his throat was actually a feeding tube. The bruised he had on his arms and wrists were from injections of dextrose and medications. They barely have anything to eat at home but his parents would go miles just to prolong his life. I wish I had money to give them even for a simple dinner. I only had questions. But to our surprise, another passenger was listening and he paid for the mother’s bus fare and handed over a good amount of money to her. I never saw them again. Not knowing if baby Prince is still alive crushes me but I’m glad my curiosity helped him and his family even in the smallest way.

4. That my family will accept my sexual orientation one day.

Especially my sister. I want to be able to tell her about my girl crushes without her looking disgusted and disappointed. I want to be able to go on double dates with her and her boyfriend and me and my future girlfriend. I want her to be my maid of honor when I marry the woman of my dreams. Ultimately, I want her to be happy for me whoever I fall and stay in love with.

5. That tomorrow is always beautiful but what matters is now.

I was trying to talk someone out of leaving the love of her life. She finally confessed to her friend that she loves her but she, unfortunately, got friend-zoned. I, for one, would stay away, too. But as I was sitting down on the couch, typing out an awful advice, I saw the person I love sleeping and I realized that she, basically, friend-zoned me, too. A million times over the years. But I stayed because the jealousy and uncertainty I can stand; not having her in my life, I just can’t. I am with her now, what I have is only now. The interval between seconds as I touch her and the moments between minutes as she breathes. We’re stubborn fragments of each other’s past. This bed. Her hair. My hands. Footsies and stolen kisses. I don’t know if we’ll be like this tomorrow but it will be beautiful because we made today beautiful.

6. That 22 years of living is enough for me to say that I lived the past years fully.

Only because I regret nothing. I’m going to make mistakes but I know I’ll hit closer to the bull’s eye now.