Many of you have seen the infamous “Nice Guys vs. Assholes” video produced by I’m Shmacked at Florida State last fall. It’s up there with the Delta Gamma Bid Day video as one of the most ridiculously and stereotypically annoying things to come out of the South.
However, I don’t understand why everyone was so taken aback by the video. As an FSU student, I’m here to tell you it’s true. Girls do like assholes. It’s not because the sex is better—it is, but that’s not why. It’s not because they’re better-looking—they are, but again, that’s not why. It’s because they honestly give zero fucks about anything.
Every guy I’ve ever been really interested in was and still is an asshole. They are manipulative. They give you what you want, and then they rip it from you, leaving you wanting more. Lots more. And that’s why we like them. They offer us mystery. They offer us temporary happiness. As Fitzgerald once said, “Things are sweeter when they’re lost.” So after we lose the asshole, his scale of attractiveness skyrockets. The little things he did for us that were probably dick moves all along become adorable. After we lose the asshole, we lose the game. But we didn’t merely lose. We lost to the hoity-toity girl they are choosing to fuck over next—a girl who probably looks and acts a lot like you. So we sit with our carton of ice cream, looking for strategic moments to upload a new profile picture to make it seem like they’re missing out. Newsflash: They see it, but they still don’t care. And they never will.
Part of the reason girls like assholes is because we know that no matter what we do, worse can be done and worse has been done. We will drive by their house and show up places where we know they are. But their past girlfriend probably keyed their car, so it’s OK. That was more noticeable than what you did. There’s no real level of embarrassment, which is why you liked them in the first place. You can be yourself around them in ways you’ve never been before. You let them inside you, literally—then they take advantage of that.
They are assholes because we let them be assholes. We let them do these things to us because that brief moment of normality is nice. In that brief moment we think we changed them, but we didn’t; you can’t change someone, especially an asshole.
But then one day, everything finally works its way out. The embarrassment ends and you guys can become friends again or whatever it was you were—that is, until you girl-up with emotions again and end up right back where you started. Bring on the Cherry Garcia.