On Facebook, friend is a verb.
I’m friending you on Facebook, girlllll. Friend me back.
You can request a friend, ‘add’ a friend, even full-on delete a friend, without any social interaction at all. Fan-freakin-tastic. If you find someone’s posts mildly annoying, you can ‘hide’ him or her with the touch of a button. Poof! Friend-be-gone! It’s not real life. It’s Facebook.
Let’s discuss the 8 most annoying types of Facebookers that warrant a defriending immediately.
1. The Chronic Inviter: So and so has invited you to like her page. Person You Haven’t Seen Since High School has invited you to her dog’s birthday party. Support my cause. Sign my petition. Like my page. Like my page. Like my page. OH MY GAWD. Delete.
2. The Over-Sharer: I like you, Facebook friend. We’ve had some good times. But really? Nobody needs to know that you’re walking to Trader Joe’s right now. Or that you’re stuck in traffic. Or that you’re having lady issues. Or that you’re bored. Or anything m-to-the-undane.
3. The Crier: My life is a black hole. This bottle of vodka is my only friend. Bad news sucks. But posts like, “I feel sad today” come across as manipulative pleas for attention. Save it for your therapist…or call a human. Facebook is not a friend replacement.
Disclosure: I’m not perfect. Duh. I used to think this was appropriate behavior. But I’d use song lyrics. Like, the saddest song lyrics you’ve ever heard. I’m sorry.
4. The Political Pusher: Close-minded people need to close their mouths. Scrolling through photo after photo of your superior thoughts on gun control makes me want to shoot myself.
5. The Bragger: There’s nothing wrong with a little self-promotion, but nobody should be clogging up your news feed with updates about how important/extravagant their lives are. It’s a beautiful day in Paris. Oh, I’m always on the go! Thank God for first-class. We get it, you’re rich. Va te faire foutre.
6. The Baby Mama: Sometimes my News Feed looks like a baby nursery. That freaks me out. Oh, and Dear Expecting Mothers, I’d rather be chucked in the head with a pacifier than scroll through one more picture of a uterus.
7. The Hacker: Ooops, I farted!!!!! …2 minutes later.. Oh my god, Mike hacked me again. I can’t believe people still do this. Defriend your friend. He’s 12.
8. That Annoying Couple: The status update: I have the most beautiful girlfriend in the world. #soinlove. Defriend. The wall post: I LOVE YOU BABE!!!! SEE YOU TONIGHT!!! Defriend. By all means, if you’re engaged, share it. But while the two of you are still in the dating phase, spare us the flowery adjectives of your burning love.