I don’t want a boyfriend at this point of my life. For the first time in a long time, I am proud of having some me time, focusing on other aspects of life. I know that all of my friends are now in serious relationships. And I know I always said I wanted a boyfriend. But now, all I can say is, I really don’t want a boyfriend.
I want to go to a late night movie, not watch a movie late at night in your couch. I want to go grab some drinks to some chic pub, not drink a bottle of wine while talking about our future in my bed. I want to kiss you as we are both drunk and then go back to my house feeling butterflies, not end up wasted together and waking up next to each other, cozily snuggling under the covers. I want to dress up and look gorgeous for our date, not wear my yoga pants as you tell me how beautiful and cute I look on them even without any make-up on.
For once, I want to meet boys and enjoy myself without feeling like I’m letting them in my heart. I don’t want to open up to them and have them know my every little secrets and demons I carry within me. I don’t want to feel protected. I don’t want to feel that tenderness towards you that makes me feel in cloud nine and that I want to bake you cookies and give you long massages. I don’t want to get nervous, anxious and sad, all at the same time, whenever you don’t text me on a Sunday. I don’t want to be with someone who can mean so much to me. I don’t want to depend on you. I don’t want to need you.
This time I want to enjoy myself. I want to have fun and meet new people without feeling tied to them. At the end of the night I want to come home, put on my favorite PJs and have some hot chocolate with homemade cookies, as I relish in the moments I spent with my date. I want to get home, with the taste of first kisses and soft made promises of second dates, which may or may not happen at all. I want to end the night joyful because of the time we spent together, because it was then and there, and because it was perfect in its own unique way.
I want this feeling of longing for one specific person to be gone. I want to break free from the way a boyfriend would make me feel. I don’t want to be swept off my feet. I don’t want to be head over heels. I need these feelings to be taken away from me. I need not to wish for them anymore. I need it because giving me completely to someone would be too much. I need to keep my heart, soul and body to myself for some time, as the pieces come together and find their way back to me.
I don’t want a love like The Notebook right now. I believe at some point I will dream again of loving someone and being loved. But just for now, I’m feeling too weak to hand myself to anyone, to pour my feelings in someone and become used to their kisses and hugs. Just for now I need to focus on me and learn how to love myself before I can love anyone else.