1. You never have to deal with “friend-zoning” guys.
I am not an ugly girl, so it’s hard for me to find a guy friend who doesn’t want to get in my pants, date me, or marry me. It’s like guys, please, I’m only one girl—and I’m young! I don’t want to be tied down. And every day I have to go through the tedious process of sitting my guy friends down and saying, “No, I don’t want to date. No, we are not an item. No, I only hooked up with you last week because I was blackout drunk and horny. NO. NO. NO.” Turning down guys is exhausting.
Plain Janes never have this problem because they know that if any guy is hanging out with them, it must be their personality (because it’s clearly not for looks). You don’t have to deal with friend-zoning guys because you already know that they are clearly not interested. You ugly girls have it so lucky, and I don’t think you fully appreciate that.
2. You never have to worry about making the most of your prime.
Since I’m a beautiful person, people are always telling me to be careful because looks fade, and what will I have then? I mean, I see myself as in a perpetual prime, and I guess in a worst-case scenario, eventually, when I’m like forty I’ll sort of lose my natural glow. However, by that time I’ll already be married to a rich suitor and still living a carefree life. But—yes, here comes that horrid “but”—what if I’m not married to a rich man and my natural glow seems to run away from me? It’s terrifying to think that life might get harder than this. I already have to deal with being perfect—it’s unfair for people to expect me to do more right now because it’s my “prime.”
With ugly people, you’re in a perpetual flat line, so no one expects you to make the most of your beauty “while it lasts.” You’ll always be ugly, so no matter whether it’s today or fifty years from now, you’re never going to get any luckier with getting lucky. You guys have no expectations or supposed “timeline” of youth—you have all the time in the world to be ugly. I supposedly only have a decade to be Helen of Troy.
3. You get to put on make-up and enjoy the joys of dressing up.
Since I always look perfect, I don’t get the joy of putting on make-up and dressing up every day. I mean, every girl remembers those dress-up days when we were little and we’d throw on dresses and make-up. Dressing up is so much fun! But as a naturally beautiful woman, I can wear sweatpants and still get complimented on looking perfect.
You Plain Janes still get to enjoy the little joys of putting on lipstick, eye shadow, and blush like you’re a little kid. You get to transform yourself from the ugly duckling to the cuter little princess with several swipes of a brush. I don’t get to experience that exciting, fun transformation that I reveled in as a little girl.
4. You don’t have to deal with weirdos always hitting on you.
OMG, don’t get me started on having to walk around with annoying number that the barista Sharpied on your morning coffee, having to avoid the smirks and winks of countless men on the subway to work, having to tell the new hire again that no, you do not want to go get drinks, having the intern snap a photo of your ass when he thinks you’re not looking, or having the schoolboys chuckle and whistle as you grab lunch at your favorite food truck.
Can a woman go through one day without being the center of attention for her unparalleled beauty? It’s exhausting being me already (see the other bullet points), and I don’t want to have to deal with another stockbroker asking me for my number at cocktail hour; I don’t want to flirt with the hot single dad at the supermarket.
Stop hitting on me. I need some “me” time.
You Plain Janes are always left alone to do your own thing, and that solitude makes me so, so jealous. Seriously, ladies, enjoying being alone and ignored—you don’t know how hard it is on the other side of the attractiveness train tracks.
5. You still enjoy getting compliments.
When you are naturally beautiful like I am, people act like it’s their job to remind you that you are blessed with good looks, and it’s so sad. I get complimented so much that I get no pleasure from the phrases that once made me feel so giddy inside. It’s as if “You look amazing,” “You look great,” and “You are so beautiful” have become “Hello.”
With ugly people, you still get that excitement that people are admiring your new haircut, cute top, or recent manicure. I mean, when you get praised for everything, nothing feels special anymore.
Always being complimented on my beauty has become rather, well, tragic.