1. To run into all the babes, go on a weeknight.
To run into all the babies, show up on Saturday or Sunday. The weekend is prime family shopping time. It’s oozing with young couples who somehow have three children under 5 yet can still afford an entire patio set. The things that happen during the week are: little league games, PTA meetings, and family Scrabble nights. Anyone at Costco Monday-Thursday is basically announcing that not only do they love a good deal on AAA batteries; they’re also single and ready to mingle.
2. Be your best self around the Sample Masters.
These fine folks are generally in their mid-to-late 60s and come from such diverse places as the Ukraine, Guatemala, and Montgomery. I say this with complete conviction: these are the people you want to make friends with. They’re basically the bartenders of the wholesale world. If you show them your gratitude, they’ll nudge the fullest tiny white cup of lobster bisque in your direction and maybe even introduce you to the sexy guy who does the smoothie demonstrations.
3. Need to treat yo’ self? Head to the Food Court.
If the $1.50 hotdog and soda combo is not a heartfelt gift for the most important person in your life (spoiler: it’s you), I don’t know what is. Customize with onions, relish, and mustard and don’t be shy. Get dessert if the spirit moves you—it’s a very berry smoothie, swirled frozen yogurt, and hand-dipped ice cream bar wonderland. Just like at your cool aunt’s house, the only rule at the Costco Café is: Have fun!!
Nota bene: the café only accepts cash. That’s not a tip just for single people. Heed this advice if you are someone who hates getting your gastronomic hopes up only to be crushed among the sweet smells of polish sausages that you can’t have.
4. When no one is looking, lean into the box of pillows and give them a good squeeze.
As the late neuroscientist Saul Schanberg said of touch: “It’s ten times stronger than verbal or emotional contact, and it affects damn near everything we do. No other sense can arouse you like touch.”
Well, sometimes when we’re single, human touch isn’t an option, and we have to go with the second-best choice. As market force Cotton Industry said of touch: “The touch, the feel, of cotton.”
Costco’s boxes of pillows are big enough to bellyflop into. Take advantage of them! A pillow hug can go a long way. If that’s not your thing, the massage chairs also do a nice job of satisfying tactile needs. However, be warned that it won’t be long before a 7-year-old girl in pink Sketchers asks if she can have a turn.
5. You’re not going to finish that 5-pound bag of spinach.
The produce-filled refrigerator room that’s bigger than your apartment is going to mess with your head. Surrounded by kale and berries and pre-cut broccoli, you’ll think, “Now is the time for me to switch to a plant-based diet.” Take a breath, make a U-turn and step back out into the main warehouse. Reality is, that huge bag of spinach is never going to inspire you to drink morning smoothies. It’s going to wilt, I promise.
You probably will finish that 10-pound block of white cheddar, though, so go ahead and add it to the cart.