A few years ago an ex and I were driving back to my parents place at night (in high school at the time) when I asked her if she would give me a little road head. She agreed and began to do her thing. I was driving down the road being as careful as possible when boom goes the dynamite. Awesome, right? Wrong. Apparently we were at a bad angle, when I went off I caused her to gag and she ended up vomiting all over my crotch and drivers seat. I’m reveling in post BJ endorphins when all of a sudden I get a whiff of vomit and semen. It was awful, but that’s not the worst part. As soon as I realize what has happened I pulled off the road into a high school parking lot so I can at least attempt to clean up some of the mess.
As soon a I park I realize there’s a cop on the other side of the parking lot just lurking. He see’s me do a high speed turn into the lot late at night so, naturally wants to see what I’m up to. By the time I get out of the car he’s getting out of his as well. He walks up, shines his flashlight on me and asks “is everything all right?” Here I am, pants unzipped, crotch covered in cum and puke and all I can say is, “my girlfriend got sick.” He walks over to her side and she’s hanging out of the open door busting up laughing. He walks back over to me, puts his hand on my shoulder, laughs and says, “have a good night sir”, before walking back to his car and driving away.
Okay this is a bad one.
This was back in highschool. To make a long story short, my friend and I both guys and straight were both experimenting with our female friend. We were all virgins so just uhh…. trying everything out.
It began with making out and eventually she was giving us both handjobs for all of our first times ever. My friend shoots first and gets it all over her. She runs into the bathroom to go clean it up and is ostensibly going to come back in and finish me off.
So to set the scene we are both sitting on her bed with our pants off, me with a raging boner, him with a deflating one with spooge dripping out.
We hear a door close and ASSUME it is the bathroom door and then we see the knob turning and ASSUME it is her coming in but OH NO it is BOTH HER PARENTS.
What the FUCK????? is pretty much a thought going through all of our minds.
Her dad is scary. He is a big black dude who used to play college ball. Her mom is a white former hippie current bleeding heart lawyer.
My friend pulls a moment of genius or stupidity (still haven’t decided) and says with a serious face “uh…. we’re gay!”
And that either saved us or doomed us. Dad’s rage faded. Mom’s motherly liberal instincts kicked in and after letting us get dressed she made us coffee and has us talk out our whole situation. Thinking on the fly we just went with it and told a big story about how we were gay but our parents were super intolerant but Laura their daughter was very cool and let us use her room to be together while she hung out in a separate part of the house.
They bought it all but the fucking worst thing is that they bought it too hard and practically adopted us as their 2 gay sons. We were family friends for years before this but from this point on they would always make sure to email us stuff about gay rights and whenever we were over they would mention or ask about new stuff happening in the gay world. They bought me a CD of “coming out” music for Xmas that year. This was years ago and to this day they still think we are totally gay.
The side benefit of this is that we were allowed to sleep over pretty frequently so we could “be together” when in reality we were double-teaming their daughter.
Okay since this seems popular here are some more anecdotes from what this lie has wrought.
- I did get to see her mom change her bathing suit in front of me once because it totally doesn’t matter since I was gay. That would have been a lot cooler if I wasn’t bent over fixing my shoe for 3 minutes thinking about gramma and the Holocaust to try to kill my boner.
- ‘Laura’ was NOT allowed to date (yeah they were not so lenient with their own kids) but I got to take her to the prom and of course have free reign to keep her out all night because I’m SAFE!
- They tried to hint to my parents that I was gay on more than one occassion and I then had my parents question me about this and there is no fucking good answer to that one. I eventually told my dad the complete and utter truth and he laughed his ass off and now he goes along with the lie (our parents are ALL friends) and makes constant gay jokes and allusions in front of Laura’s family. Thanks Dad.
- I really love old action movies and they take that in the worst fucking way thinking that I am attracted to Arnold and Stallone and such and tell me that ‘Kevin’ will probably never look like that and every time I rave about a movie hero or something it hurts his body image.
- We all watched 300 together once and it was just really fucking awkward.
I am still afraid that the Dad will find out and absolutely fucking murder the turders out of me if I say or do the wrong thing or we just get unlucky and have another walk-in.
Me and my girlfriend at the time are hanging out in her room watching TV. Her parents are home but they’re busy in the kitchen cooking something, so we decided that we could sneak some “special” time if we were extra quiet. We start getting intimate and a few minutes later we’re both completely naked and going at it like wild animals. We’re talking like 5 star sex here, almost to the point where I don’t care about the noise anymore.
We just changed positions and started anew when I hear a knock on the door and the doorknob starts turning. I cannot describe the sense of dread that came over me as we quickly tried to jump under the covers and cover our nakedness as much as possible, but there’s no hiding what we were doing. I was caught, and her Dad was going to kill me and bury me in the back yard. It was a done deal in my mind. What happened next I will recite verbatim, for it is forever seared in my memory.
Her mother pokes her head in the door. “Oh, sorry to interrupt! Foghorn, I’ve got a tin of cookies here for when you go home.” She then smiles, leaves said tin of delicious cookies (she was a pastery chef), closes the door, and leaves.
I don’t think we stopped laughing for a good 10 minutes.
During my sophomore summer home from college one of my good friends from childhood was visiting and my Dad decided it was ok if I had 10-15 friends over to drink a bit in the backyard. Well, from that mild mannered gathering I managed to pull a girl and brought her back to my room around 1 am.
Around 1:30 as I’m beating guts on this girl we hear a repeatedly louder tapping on the window to my room, she freaks the fuck out and I put on boxers and open the blinds to see what’s going on. I flip open the blinds to see my fucking DAD staring back at me in my boxers and a random girl with the sheets pulled over her tits.
Turns out he went out to the backyard to clean up after we were all done partying and accidentally locked himself out of the house.
Late one night my parents had gone to bed and my girlfriend and I are fooling around on the couch in the living room. It got hot fast and we started fucking, thinking that at 1am there’s no way that my parents are getting up. She was wearing a skirt and simply removed her panties. I was wearing loose jeans so I just undid the button and unzipped. I was sitting on the couch and she was riding me reverse cowgirl when we heard someone coming down the stairs. There was no time to do anything except for her to throw a blanket over us. Thankfully we hadn’t removed our shirts so it appeared that she was simply sitting on my lap and we were cuddling. My mom descended down the stairs and informs us that she can’t sleep. She proceeds to join us on the couch to watch a little TV. Mind you…my cock is buried in my girlfriend.
Now my girlfriend was a freak…and this seemed to totally turn her on. She kept shifting her weight or leaning forward to “grab her drink off the coffee table”. She was doing this while talking to my mom…chatting and laughing. This went on for about 5 minutes before my mom finally got up to use the bathroom. The second she was out of sight my GF started bouncing on my cock again and came as hard as she ever had. This in turn caused me to burst, as well. We recovered pretty quickly and she got off of me. We were able to get ourselves re-situated just in time for my mom to come back in sit back down. Her and my GF continued talking for a good 30 minutes while I sat there unable to speak.
In my sophomore year of high school, my boyfriend and I are going at it in my bedroom. I’m wearing loose shorts, so they’re still on, and his pants are just unbuttoned. I’m straddling him. We appear to be fully dressed.
My parents had a strict “bedroom door must be open when boys are over” policy, so the door was open about a foot. The only warning I had was the sound of my mom’s footsteps coming down the hall. “Hi!” she said brightly, as she entered the room. Her smile faltered as she saw me straddling him. “What are you…”
“Uh, hi!” I said, leaning down and tickling my boyfriend’s ribs. “We’re having a tickle-fight, and I’m winning! Haha.”
The crease between her eyebrows faded a little and she set down the basket of laundry. “Okay, but you– you can’t sit on him like that.”
I shrugged, said okay (but didn’t move), and she left the room. He and I then finished what we started, but it took a minute or two to get going again. Apparently having to have a conversation with your girlfriend’s mom while mid-coitus is quite the boner-killer!