22 People On The Worst Sex They Ever Had (And What Made It So Terrible)

jameswildexo
jameswildexo

Originally from r/AskReddit

1. Needed to listen to music

This dude just had no rhythm. At all. It was a really weird set of thrusts. So I thought fuck it, I’ll take control and started riding him. To which he continued the weird, uncoordinated and non-rhythmic thrusts.

2. Really bad aim

He rubbed his dick between my butt cheeks until he came, not realizing he wasn’t actually in me.

It was not deliberate.

3. Crushed by sex

It was with my ex boyfriend. I’m a pretty small person (5’0 and 95lbs) and he is big, plus had gained weight (6’3 and 250lbs). He was on top of me and refusing to use his arms to support his upper body, causing him to rest his entire chest weight on me. I kept telling him to prop himself up, but he kept saying his arms were tired. I was basically suffocating. I started wheezing very loudly and needed my emergency inhaler. To make things worse, he got mad at me for “ruining the moment.”

TLDR: Fat bf gives me asthma attack

4. Blow job = bite job??

With a girl whose blowjob technique involved a lot of teeth. She also tried to “deepthroat” me, which just ended up painfully bending my dick, since she didn’t quite understand the “throat” part.

5. “She tried to eat my cock!”

I was at a party and me and this were getting chummy. We were both drinking but I got more drunk than her. As the party dies down to our immediate friend, she takes me back to a room and asks if I want a blow job. I slur out a yes, and she starts going to town.

I’m not sure what happened next, but one of us moved in suddenly and her jaw clenches on my dick and breaks the skin. My dick starts gushing blood, and she starts freaking out, but I so drunk that I thought it was hilarious. I wrapped my dick in some tissues to stop the bleeding and head back to the living room to show my friends.

Apparently I burst into the room with my pants around my ankles loudly signing “She tried to eat my cock, she tried to eat my cock, Hi ho the dairy o, she tried to eat my cock.”

After my performance I went to bed in the dinning room. The girl left crying in shame with all of her friends, so none of my friends got laid, but my were still nice enough to put a band aid on my dick, and give me a towel to use as a blanket.

6. WTF is with all this biting!

I met a guy on eHarmony. After our second date, we went to his apartment to, basically, get drunk and have sex. He goes down on me and after a few minutes, I end up in excruciating pain. I look down and see blood everywhere. He bit off a piece of my fucking vagina.

7. Don’t over-cologne your cock

I’d dated this guy for a few weeks. Then came sex time. We were naked and making out, then I moved to go down on him. His crotch smelled very strong of cologne, and never dealing with it before, I started sucking him.

It was cologne, and a lot of it. My mouth was full of it, my eyes & nose started to burn, and I started throwing up. I couldn’t get that taste out of my mouth and off my face for days. It was Drakkar Noir.

Guys, don’t ever fucking do that.

8. OMG

I was with this girl and she was kind of an emo chick. I can deal with that. She also liked it kinda rough which I was also kind of okay with.

Then we are having sex one night and she wanted me to choke her. So whatever cool I do a little choking and try to make her happy. She keeps saying she wants to be choked harder and harder. I keep doing this and she finally tells me to choke her until she taps me on the shoulder. She wanted to be fucking choked out practically. I finally start choking her the way she wants but at this point I’m scared this girl is going to die. I release my death grip and she slaps me in the face and says, “choke me harder you bitch.”

So I just start fucking her and choking her as hard as I can and I’m about to cum. I want to get this shit over with and nope the fuck out. Apparently she could tell I was about to cum and she told me to cum inside her. NO FUCKING WAY was I cumming inside this fucking crazy girl.

So I pull out and cum on her tummy. She is not pleased. She swipes the cum up with her hand and fucking spidermans me. Here I am sitting here with my own cum on my face and this bitch fucking pissed off because I didn’t kill her and risk impregnating her to form a crazy master race. I left and never saw her again.

9. help help help

She was an inexperienced virgin and she didn’t want to lose her virginity, so she suggested anal. I was like ‘‘awesome, great idea.” Then few minutes into the action, there comes a hot steamy green apple nasties . She ran into the bathroom and nearly spent there over an hour for embarrassment. I played it off and said it’s not a biggie. We tried again, and it was smooth this time. Practice makes prefect, I guess.

10. KOed by sex?

Shower sex with an ex. It was uncomfortable, water makes terrible lubricant, and her footing slipped from the side of the tub and she knocked her head on the wall.

11. Literally everything went wrong.

Was banging a girl in the back seat, it’s good times, with the car rocking and windows steamed. Before too long she’s cumming and then I start cumming, so I grab her by the hips and clamp down and start banging it home, but I guess my thumbs were on her bladder cause she straight up pisses on me.

And lo, at that moment, a cop knocks on the window. She freaks and tries to jump off and I take a knee in my freshly drained balls. So now I got a cop laughing at me, piss in my back seat, and shattered balls.

Cop was all, “Just go, you’ve been punished enough.”

12. Penis wasn’t the only thing in that vagina…

Found some white creature that was alive inside girl’s vagina after I’d been going down on her.

It was some white creature that was wriggling around.

I can’t remember the specifics of it now. I just remember she went straight to the doctor the next day and got some antibiotics which cleared it up. Thankfully it wasn’t an STD or anything.

I also remember spewing and washing my mouth out like never before.

Made me think twice about vaginas.. for at least a couple of months.

:(

13. Vampire sexy times

Had a fling a few years back. Everything was going well then she asked me to cut her. It was a strange request but after some hesitation I agreed to fulfill her odd request. She broke apart a new shaving razor and handed me one of the sharp bars. So we get back to it and she tells me to cut her.

Not understanding how this fetish works, I gingerly swipe at her arm and make a little scratch. Annoyed she demands I try again but harder this time. So I oblige and there is a little paper cut looking slice on her arm.

Apparently that wasn’t good enough so she demands I try again but even harder still. Being one who didn’t want to disappoint I dig the blade into her arm even harder. It worked that time, really well. At that moment it was as if someone pulled the Emergency brake on the love train as we both look in shock at her arm seeing the inside sticking out like this.

It was at that moment we realized it was time for a shameful trip to the hospital to get stitches. So that was the night I spent in the ER with blueballs. Would not recommend.

14. Banging a criminal?

When I was 19 I met a guy on OkCupid. He seemed interesting enough but something about him was a little weird, I couldn’t put my finger on it. We talked for a while, we had some stuff in common, favorite bands and movies, etc.

He wanted to meet me so I invited him over to my house. We got drunk and had sex on a futon and fell asleep. When we woke up he said, “I have something to tell you,” and I said “what,” and he said “I’m on the sex offender registry, I wanted to tell you in case we ended up getting serious.”

I thought it was a joke until he pulled up his picture in the sex offender database for the state we live in. I told him I would not like to enter a serious relationship with him at this time and asked him to please leave my house. So that’s probably the worst sex I’ve ever had.

15. Other weird things in the vagina

I once was fucking this chick that I had known for like 10 years and I’m pounding the shit out of it and I can feel something poking my dick. I assumed it was some type of birth control….but it wasn’t.

She wanted me to finish in her mouth so she started blowing me and I was fingering her and I felt it again so I pulled it out and I could smell this rotten egg smell as soon as did. It was the shell of a boiled egg. I didn’t ask any questions I blew my load she swallowed I left never talked to her again.

16. The most disappointing thing ever.

Long time friend was looking to become boyfriend. And idk about anyone else but I like to test the car before I buy. For weeks he talked himself up and I finally said sure lets give it a go.

He kissed like an excited Doberman, I kept having to wipe my mouth when he would stop and let me breath from the water boarding I was being tortured with. We get down to the sex against my better judgement. It’s bad, not only is his dick not as promised but his idea of sex was putting it in, jerking about a bit and rolling off me.

Then he’s like let’s go to bed, so I’m like I don’t want to do that, I lie and say I’ve got work tomorrow, he tells me he’ll get up early and leave and pulls me in for the most uncomfortable cuddle session, with his flaccid dick still in his nutted condom pressed against my ass. It was horrible. I never returned his calls afterward. -10/10.

17. Men, this will make you cringe.

Was having sex, she was riding cowgirl with lots of bouncing. Perhaps I zigged when I should have zagged. Long story short my boner got right angled. I had an ugly purple-ish golf ball sized knot off the side of my dick for about 3 days. Then when the swelling went down, the bruising started to spread out…right down too my balls. My balls didn’t hurt, but they were an ugly color. Only time in my life I googled “broken penis”.

TL;DR : Dont get your dick bent.

18. I don’t think she knew how this works…

This happened to me two days ago! This girl and I had spoken previously about being FWB and I thought why the hell not? So we both decide that when we want to do the dirty, we will just send the other one a text and figure out when/where to get it done.(Wall of text inbound)

So I get home from work one night and I get the text and I am game! I’ve been on a bit of a dry spell lately and I’m in the mindset that this will be great! Wrong. I was wrong. Fast forward to her coming over, we are in my room starting to get hot and heavy and when she starts to grab my junk. What followed was probably one of the most confusing sexual encounters of my life.

She grabs my dick and starts shaking it side to side, kinda like she’s trying to activate a glowstick. I tried to show her what I liked but she was adamant on continuing her attempts(I’ve since named this move the Sidewinder!). I decided it was time to just get in and go for it. It proved to be very boring and I thought to myself, “Maybe if she gets on top, that’ll help”. Wrong.

She gets on top, plops down and makes NO effort to actually make sure I am inside of her. I told her I wasn’t, but she seemed to be enjoying herself so much, I wasn’t sure I could get through to her. I actually went soft and just laid there while she grinded against my limp dick for probably 5 minutes. I eventually found a reason for us to stop and she went home. I took a very long shower when she left.

19. Awful sex with a happy ending

I had this friend in college. Sweet girl, A+ personality, we were very close. She had a BF back home who was abusive both physically and verbally, and cheated on her constantly. Finally she took our advice and left him for good. The goodbye consisted of the usual angry insecure no guy but me will ever want you, your ugly, Your terrible in bed, blah blah blah. As he was her first and only lover she had taken this to be truth.

She tried to pick up other guys but was often turned down as she is not exactly a good looking girl. Our group of friends could all see with more and more rejection she grew more and more concerned this d-bag was right. One day she asked me if I would have sex with her, no strings attached just to prove another man could want her that way. I feared saying no would destroy her and confirm the doubts installed by this jerk, so I took one for the team. I got good and drunk as not only is she not pretty but my type is curvy dark featured women. She is a petite blonde with no boobs or booty to speak of. Picture Smeagol from lord of the rings naked and ready.

On top of that her downstairs STUNK! It was so bad, after I brought her to climax I faked my own. It didn’t end there. She noticed the condom was empty. I apologized assuring her it was a case of whiskey dick and not her, or this all would be for not. So she felt we should both deserved a grand finale, and that we could take a break smoke a cig and try again. Well I’ve come this far, no turning back now right? I insisted this time I take her from behind as it’s “my favorite.” In truth it is but the real reason being I needed her not to notice me squeezing my eyes shut and picturing every porno and great lay I ever had.

The following day she tells our group of friends what we did and gave me a sterling review, which resulted in a few of the attractive women in our clique to throw themselves at me. Her confidence was renewed, and she must have upped her game and done something about the smell as she’s been a heart breaker ever since. In conclusion worst sex I ever had, and Karma does exist.

20. Sex was like building furniture!

A girl approached me about being her FwB. Considering she was actually really cute that was a simple no brainer. So our first time “hanging out” comes along and the sex is so odd. She had told me she had some kinks and I’m pretty open so I wasn’t intimidated. But I had never experienced anything like that before.

“Two fingers on the back of my shoulder. Now press your thumb hard on the inside of my thigh.” …ok.

This went on the whole time we were having sex. I’m thinking “damn are we having sex or building something from Ikea”.

Fast forward a few days and she wants to meet up again. I agreed and I kid you fuckin’ not, when she was riding me she had my arms moving in the same way the “YMCA” dance. I burst out laughing and she got upset for making fun of her kinks.

Sex was terrible but I still laugh about every time I hear the village people.

21. Tiny dick a little problem, nasty odor a big one

Started dating a college guy while I was a high school junior, because he seemed cool and mature. All of the sudden, during a drive to the movies, he says “Just so you know, my dick is pretty small.” I was kinda taken aback, because it legitimately came out of nowhere, but okay. Maybe he’s just self-conscious.

Fast forward to later that night, we’re fooling around a little in the car. He takes it out, and it’s gotta be like two, maybe three inches max. Okay, well, at least that makes a blowjob easy. So I go in for the blow, and before I even put my mouth on, I’m hit with this overwhelming stink of rancid odor. Came right back up and switched to a handy. Finished him off, then the dude didn’t even reciprocate. Had the nerve to call up a few days later saying that he could sneak me into his mother’s house for a quickie.

Nope.

22. Two hookers and a bowel movement

Went to Mexico and got two hookers for a threesome. First time with hookers, first threesome. Fuck it. With condoms at all times, btw.

All going great until she asks me what I want to do next. Anything I want. Duh, butt sex!

I was tired from banging both of them so I said, you get on top of me. Mistake #1.

Feels good. WAY tighter cause, you know, butt sex.

Mistake #2. Jackhammer it because, you know, hooker. She says, please go slow!! So I slow down….

She jumps up, it’s dark, and proceeds to have a bunch of liquid drop from her vag. I thought. Runs out of the room. Hooker #2 watches her just as I was and didn’t understand. Until the smell…

Wasn’t vag liquid. Apparently, the jackhammer triggered her next bowel movement, which happened to be liquid, and it’s ALL over my stomach and legs. The 2nd hooker goes, “Dios mio…” and sits there. At that point, we both cover our noses and I say, look, I’m not cleaning this shit. You two are getting paid, get something quick!

She spends the next 10 mins cleaning me up. I ask to shower. I hear hooker #1 making fucking poop noises from the bathroom with the shower. I have to wait, naked, until she’s done crapping.

She exits. I shower, thoroughly. Come back out. The kicker….

Both are in the bed and say, come on back and we do some more.

Nope. Taxi’d out and back to my resort. TC mark

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