It Hurts When Timing Isn’t On Your Side

He walked in the café and I just knew my heart has been stolen. From that moment on he became everything I wanted. He became the one I wanted to have everything with. Knowing the story, some may argue that I was out of my mind. Maybe I was. But at least I was completely honest. With him and with myself.

I wish he could just hold me from now on. I wish we could just stick together and live the life we wanted. Without any reasons to justify our choices. Because everything appeared to be so natural. It felt like we had the same internal mechanism. One shared between us. One rhythm to follow. We just knew what was it from the very beginning. No risks assessments. Because whatever the risk was it was totally worth it. Do you even think about risks when you create something so beautiful it hurts?

Both of us felt the same way and it was even more scary. The pace our feelings have been rushing adrenaline to our hearts continued to gather its momentum. We became so emotionally available to each other. We’ve been craving so many things under the ‘together’ caption. I wanted to believe that two of us could break the brick walls. To make that elusive pain to fade away. A couple of steps to live the life we always wanted. How am I supposed to know what is the right thing to do? How does he supposed to know? Our texts were full of what-ifs and my mind was blown up every time I allowed myself to forget under what circumstances we have finally met. I knew that I would be able to make him the happiest man in the entire world. And I was sure about us. It was magic. Just magic.

The evening we met created a spark. I asked what he wanted in a partner and in a relationship. And as he was speaking, I realized that I was the woman he was describing. I wanted to be the woman he wanted. And I was so mad at him for not realizing that the woman he described was sitting 2 feet away from him. But he did know. Both of us knew. And it scared us.

The first admittance that he missed me. Everything was possible when we were together. Like breathing under the water. He was different. Funny enough to wind up the corners of my mouth. As the night wore down and we sat next to each other our words finally stopped. He kissed me. His next move was neatly biting my neck. Not too rough not to scare me but passionate to raise my curiosity. Nothing mattered. It came as it is. It was perfect like never before. And I realised why it had never worked out with anyone who came across my life before. He gave me something I couldn’t believe in. He said that he had no fear. I was dare to share my life with him. I was dare to fall for him every day and make him fall for me. I was dare to give it a shot. To give us a chance.

I realised that that the only way for us to be free is to stay together. To be free the way we are but with each other. And allow these true naked souls to fall in love every single day. Waking up to the pure morning light fighting its way through the white curtains. Watching him while he is still asleep. The very few seconds that I was the only owner of. The very few seconds before he opens his eyes and leaves his warm kisses all over my body. The best man is staring at me with his deep green eyes. And every time he blinks it causes a hurricane in my heart. Something was burning. It didn’t hurt but warmed me up.

If I could only change the circumstances. Some people say that there are no circumstances but only our willingness or unwillingness to use them as a solid excuse. He was older than me. But he didn’t have answers for the questions both of us have left in the air. The silence between us was so rare but so heavy and full of frustrations. Why must it be so complicated all the time? Is there an easy way out of this? Or into this really. How can we stay there? In the moment, we were so happy. How can we make it into the new beginning and not into something to keep wondering for the rest of our lives?

For the most times, we never enjoy what we have now. We are always looking forward for the things to come. One day. One moth. One year. But that night it was different. Different on so many levels. I wanted to slow down. I got those clear flashes of clarity that this is the life I want. This is the man I want. And the present is the only thing that does matter. And nothing scared me. He was sitting next to me and I could feel his sight left on my body. Something about him made me want to stay there forever. ‘Holy crap, how did I get so lucky?’. Am I allowed to keep it?

I don’t like the word ‘forever’. A woman fighting a very aggressive form of cancer once said, “Forever isn’t yours to give away. All you have to your name is right now.” I knew I couldn’t give him the ‘forever’ promise. Even though my intensions were so sincere, so “out of this universe”.

I could make choices over the present only. I would rather tell him that I was so ready to wake up next to him every morning and choose to love him over and over again. And I was. And I am.