I know what you’re going through. You’re in a tough situation where I know you’re trying to be tougher; you’re trying to look stronger; and you’re trying to feel better. You’re in a situation where you think you’re slowly losing yourself. You feel like someone has unknowingly captivated your body and your mind has unconsciously occupied someone else’s mind, because you don’t feel yourself anymore; you don’t feel the person you actually think you are.
I know you’re struggling to get your confidence back—to get it back where it actually belongs. You even have no idea how come it has slipped out from your tight grip, ‘cause all you want to do right now is to win it back in your hands. For some, it’s just a piece of cloth, a branded makeup foundation, an imported perfume—all replaceable—but no. It’s literally and metaphorically more than just that, because it fuels your soul more than just your face and body. Your confidence makes you human: flawed, imperfect, wrecked; but you’re doing fine, you still survive.
I know you’re tired of being timid and shy. You’re over with the idea of hiding, of ingenuity, of reservations… where the only thig you actually want right now is to be freed. You want to show off your authenticity, that you can love genuinely; that you can laugh with your mouth open; that you can cry everything out without the worry of being judged; that you are hurt; that you can feel pain; that you can be broken at some time; that you can fly; that you can also fall; that you can feel sorry too; that you can look at them straight in the eye.. because You. Are. Confident.
I know you miss those days where you woke up on a Sunday morning where you could talk to someone with your sleepy eyes closed while not minding your morning breath. You miss those days where that young lady in the mirror didn’t mind her thick black hair sprawled all over her face. Those days where you actually didn’t feel like putting your lipstick on because you wanted to be normal, and that’s all and that’s fine.
You literally miss those days and the pictures literally break your heart because you can’t and you don’t want to do those anymore. You’re now afraid. You fear that those won’t turn out the same just like it did before. You fear that in every little thing you do, will just cause losing your confidence in every possible way it can.
You now fear everything that might leave you to a place where confidence couldn’t be found; couldn’t be restored; couldn’t actually be gained because it is actually drained even before. I know you feel that you’re now a woman driven by so much insecurities inside. I know you often forget the feeling of being beautiful in the eyes of others; in the eyes of your own.
You sometimes cannot recall the first and last picture of a man who stared at you like hell, when both of you saw heaven right at that moment. You always feel and see the ugliest spot of your beautiful parts, though you’re hardly trying to convince that young lady in the mirror that there is still beauty that radiates within her, that is just waiting for her own heart to be noticed. You keep on telling that young lady that she will eventually recover and will be able to regain her lost confidence because that is the easiest and the only good favor she could do for herself.
You know that words aren’t enough to rebuild the confident version of you but that’s the first and least thing you can do while you’re still overwhelmed by the sudden change.
There were countless times, I know, that you whisper, “Who cares?” Yeah, who cares? They actually don’t care, but you do care! Yes, you’re the only one who cares because they definitely don’t know the everyday struggle; the morning pain; the midnight breakdown; the fake smiles; the forced laughs; the longing heart. They don’t know those that is why they don’t care! But you know that’s why you do! You know the feeling of being low. You know and even memorized the details of being lost, of being trapped—all at the same time.
You know that you are lost, but you also do know where you can be found. It’s like you’re trapped in the same body but not of the same mind. Confidence makes you different. For some, it’s just only a word that starts with a capital letter “C” that can be found somewhere in the street—but no. Confidence makes you human—superhuman ever. That’s what they don’t know and understand, but they’ll surely do if at some point of their lives, they realized, that losing your confidence is like losing yourself.