Mental illness can take on so many different forms but since I am not one to talk about those, I will talk about the one I know.
Depression. Depression is not simply sadness. While you can be upset, and it has become the norm to say that your elevated sadness is you being depressed, it’s alright, I get it.
But depression does not just go away when something good happens. It can make it so hard to find enjoyment in things that you used to love.
Depression can look like me having an amazing time and smiling and enjoying life but once I’m in the company of only my thoughts, it can change so quickly.
Depression can look like tiredness. Depression makes me just want to sleep for days and avoid everyone that I might come into contact with. Depression makes my boyfriend upset with me for sleeping my mornings away or sleeping the day away. My depression makes me think about my next nap when I’m in class; it makes me feel like it is completely okay to keep saying “one more hour”.
Depression and anxiety are me asking to reschedule our plans. My depression gives me a lack of motivation. My anxiety makes me think that this will make that person I bailed on hate me. My anxiety is me constantly worrying about what I’m not doing when I have no drive because of my depression.
It’s a terrible cycle. It took so much for me just to begin writing this article. I couldn’t find the motivation to get out of bed and grab my laptop and start pouring my thoughts out. Here I am minutes before my deadline writing about how I understand how horrible Depression and Anxiety are. My anxiety was telling me I’d get reprimanded if I did not submit anything.
Depression, in me, is a lack of appetite. Depression in others may be overeating.
Depression makes me feel completely unsatisfied with my appearance. In fact, I just bleached my entire hair because I wasn’t feeling good about how my hair looked– and honestly, I regret it.
My inability to control my emotions has also gotten me in situations where I make people uncomfortable because someone says something and I just start crying for some reason. It’s just the depression…so I apologize. You did absolutely nothing wrong.
Depression also, unfortunately, consists of me having thoughts of worthlessness. I feel absolutely terrible about myself and I feel as if I cannot achieve anything when people around me are constantly reaching new heights even with their own problems.
It seems as if I can’t get past this bout of depression and it is extremely frustrating. Sometimes, I get to thinking that the world would be a better place without me in it…but I know, I know that it is not.