13 Phases Of Being A Drunk White Girl

GIRLS / Amazon.com
GIRLS / Amazon.com

1. The initial denial.

Last time you drank, you promised yourself it would never happen again. That last hangover was too much. You’re really going to take a break from drinking now. You’re going to have a nice, sober night with your girls. And you won’t have anything to regret tomorrow. Good job. We’re all soooo proud.

2. The temptation.

Well would you look at that: someone just decided to throw a party. You promised yourself you wouldn’t drink, but it’s a party! You looooove house parties! And that cute boy will probably be there! The one you’ve been staring at in class all month. And it’ll be such a fun party, you’ll regret it if you miss it.

3. The rationalization.

It’s been a hard week. That’s why you’ll drink tonight. You swore you wouldn’t, but it’s been a hard week! It’s not like you don’t deserve it, because you know you do. Not that you need to defend yourself for consuming alcohol, right? This is the 21st century. Women’s rights! Right? You don’t even plan on drinking that much, though. So you don’t even need an excuse. You don’t need an excuse to have a drink or two. You’re fine. You can drink tonight.

4. The entrance.

Is that beer? You thought there was going to be vodka at this party. Shoot. You should’ve brought a flask — one of those pretty ones they sell at Forever21. You could have brought your own vodka. Beer makes you fat and you’re wearing a crop top — you can’t get bloated! But if you drank vodka, you’d get drunk faster. You’re not getting drunk tonight. Not even buzzed. You’ll have a few beers and enjoy yourself, but you’re not getting drunk.

5. The buzz.

Shoot, you’re still a lightweight. This feels just like high school, minus the football player trying to cheat on his girlfriend with you. You’re a little buzzed. How much did you drink? Four beers. Did anyone see you take the four beers? Will any of them know if you lie and say you drank eight? They might. They might notice you only had four beers and make fun of you for still being a lightweight. It’s okay, you’re not that buzzed. You can play it off. You’ll pretend you’re barely tipsy.

6. The drunk.

Now you’ve had eight. Nowwwwww you can feel it. You’re embarrassed. But you shouldn’t be, right? Being a lightweight just means you’re skinny…Right? You won’t drink much more. Just a few more. You’ll be fine. A few more beers sounds like a good idea.

7. The keg-stand.

Why is everyone upside down?

8. The power move.

Wow you killed that keg-stand. And there’s that cute boy from your accounting class. You think now is the perfect time to go talk to him. You should tell him he’s cute. That’s definitely a good idea. Definitely.

9. The drunk hookup.

Ouch, he bit your lip. Or did you bite your lip? He’s a good kisser though. Besides biting your lip. Shoot, what’s his name? It’s okay you’ll ask tomorrow. He’ll definitely text you after this. This isn’t just a one-time hookup. This is definitely a good idea.

10. The drunk texting.

You miss your mom. You should text her. Wait — you’ll take some videos of the party! She’ll want to see what your life is like. You can show her next time you see her. Where’s your phone? Has anyone seen your phone? Uh hello sir, can you stop sucking that girl’s face long enough to get off this couch? You’re sitting on my phone! Oh, just kidding. It’s in your back pocket. Wow. There’s so many buttons on this phone. When did your thumbs get so big?

11. The upchuck.

Everyone pukes sometimes. As long as it doesn’t get in your hair, it’s okay. You won’t tell anyone you puked. You’ll just puke quickly and quietly,rinse your mouth out and then go back to the party. No one has to know you puked. It’ll be your little secret. Shoot, someone’s knocking on the door. Just a minute! You’re just fixing your makeup! Not puking! No puking going on in here!

12. The end.

Wow, you did a good job decorating your room. You’re really talented. You should switch your major from nursing to Interior Design. You’ll talk to your parents about it tomorrow. They’ll be thrilled. Wow, your bed is super comfortable. You missed your bed. Where are your stuffed animals? This boy was so nice for helping you get home. What’s his name? Nevermind. I don’t care. I should thank him. No, no, I should remind him that I’m not that drunk. I should remind him that it’s been a hard week. That’s the only reason I drank.

13. The end denial.

This will never happen again. This hangover is too much. You’re really going to take a break from drinking now. You’re going to have a nice, sober night with your girls next weekend. And you won’t have anything to regret the next day. Good job. We’re all soooo proud.

Repeat steps. TC mark

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