1. You will never, ever, in a million years, willingly wear plaid or tights.
So what if it’s 20 degrees out and you’re wearing a short dress to the club? The logical choice would be to throw on a pair of tights under that thing, but when your roommate turns to you and asks if you have a pair she can borrow, you just stare at her in disbelief. After 17 years of forced tight wearing during the colder months of the year you cannot actually comprehend anyone’s desire to willingly put those static cling devils onto their body. And don’t get me started on plaid shirts at country concerts…
2. You still get texts wishing you a “Happy (insert holy day of obligation here)!”
You may be in college and officially done with the Catholic school girl life, but that won’t stop your friend from shooting you a quick text to wish you a happy Ash Wednesday. And better yet, it won’t stop your mother from calling you to make sure you got your ashes.
3. You will fight absolutely anyone who misquotes the Bible.
Whether you believe in the man upstairs or not, you know everything about him. Every scripture, every psalm, every sentence and every period. And when that girl sitting next to you incorrectly talks about Moses it is most certainly your obligation to whip out all your Catholic school girl knowledge and correct her mercilessly.
4. You get offended when people are fake Catholics.
When the girl in your class got ashes for Ash Wednesday but doesn’t know what they represent. She just got them to look holy, to impress her classmates, to pretend she’s remotely religious. Excuse me, miss. I had that information drilled into my head and if you think for a split second I’m going to let you pretend like you know what you’re talking about, please think again. If boys can get annoyed at girls for pretending to understand sports, a good ole Catholic school girl can get annoyed with all the posers too.
5. You know how great the Eucharist is when you’re hungry.
I know, I know. This sounds so terrible. And I’m not saying it’s remotely okay to treat the body of Christ like that. But let’s be real here, when you forgot to eat breakfast and you’re forced to go to mass before lunch period, the Eucharist is the best meal you’ve ever had. I’m not saying it’s right, but it seriously cannot be denied.
6. You can say your prayers in your sleep.
And I’m not talking about the basics. A Catholic school is no place to brag about knowing the Our Father and Hail Mary. I’m talking about the big guns. The big boys. The holy grails. I’m talking about the Apostle’s Creed and the Hail Holy Queen. You know, the prayers you were forced to memorize in second grade and then were never able to forget. And let’s be real, you were absolutely furious when the new translations came out and changed the Nicene Creed that you had finally remembered word for word.
7. You are under the distinct impression that Jesus Christ was a white man with hockey hair.
Jesus was born in Bethlehem and each of his Bible stories take place in Israel. That being said, Jesus most certainly had darker skin, darker eyes, and darker hair. But instead, every image we have ever been given of Jesus in any religion book ever created has been a toga wearing version of Jared Leto at the 2014 Oscars.
8. You know what I’m talking about when I mock the children models in religion books.
I don’t know what it is about the children chosen to be photographed in religion textbooks, but there is absolutely nothing funnier. These poor children look more awkward than I did in my seventh grade year book picture (and trust me, that was awkward). They are put in generic Limited Too looking outfits (complete with Mudd jeans) and are told to pose in the saddest ways possible. Sometimes you pity them, sometimes you draw mustaches on them.
9. You know everything about everyone and so does the school nurse.
Did you hear what Jennie did? What about Bobby? I know, I know, but it’s not as bad as what happened with John and Mary. Everyone’s business is everyone’s business. Your school is too damn small to keep any secrets, so don’t even try. And if you ever feel guilty for gossiping too much, always remember that the secretaries and nurses do it twice as much.
10. You often feel guilty that you don’t pray at meals anymore.
I mean, this is college and no one prays in the caf. But once in a while you say it in your head before you chow down on that poorly cooked meal. Force of habit, you can’t help it.
11. It was the worst experience of your life, and the best experience of your life.
You can make jokes until kingdom come (get it?) about your Catholic school experience but at the end of the day, you’re more than grateful your parents sent you there. The establishment may have been built over the gates of hell, but it gave you a lifetime of jokes and some pretty great friends.