Being pregnant is already hard enough. The last thing a new mother needs is everyone’s two cents on pregnancy and childbirth. With all of the changes and crazy emotions that happen to a woman during pregnancy, you need to be very careful what you say to her. You may say something you think was okay to say, she didn’t respond angrily and she might have even smiled, but that child-bearing beast is plotting ways to kill you in your sleep. Please, readers, be careful of what you say to a pregnant woman. They get offended easily, they usually feel fat and gross, and above all they are scared. Here are 10 things that were said to me repeatedly through my pregnancy and my thoughts every time someone said them.
1. Can I touch your stomach?
I mean, sure…I guess you can touch it, but I’m not lifting my shirt up. I mean, I don’t get what benefit you get from touching my obscenely large pregnant stomach. It’s also unlikely the baby is going to kick right at this second, but sure, touch my stomach. It’s not like it makes me comfortable or anything.
2. You’re eating for two now.
Thanks for the tip. I couldn’t tell from the two tubs of ice cream and a whole shepherd’s pie I just downed in 10 minutes. If you are trying to tell me I’m eating too much, maybe just so with a straightforward “stop eating everything in my fridge please.”
3. Are you scared?
Yes, I’m scared. Are you happy? Is that the answer you wanted? All I can think about is a tiny human emerging from my body, and no I don’t think I’ll be okay. I don’t even know how I’m going to do it, but I’m going to have to do it soon, and you asking me if I’m scared doesn’t make me feel any less terrified.
4. You look like you’re ready to pop.
Thanks for calling me fat. Thanks for making me think about giving birth and thanks for making me feel even more pregnant than I did a second ago. Thanks a ton. Yes I am ready to pop. Any monkey could figure that out. So thanks—thanks a whole effing bunch.
5. Are you having twins?
I know my stomach looks big to you non-pregnant people, but believe it or not it’s just one tiny baby in there. And when I’m in that room giving birth and they tell me it’s twins, you’ll be the first person I come after.
6. Do you want to go shopping?
This one may not apply to everyone but it was one of the first things you could have asked me. Yes I want to go shopping. I want to look at tiny baby clothes and try to find clothes that are acceptable for my pregnant ass to wear and who knows, maybe I’ll buy something for my fiancée. Sounds like fun at first, until you get to the mall. All the normal, not-pregnant people are running around laughing and having fun. Meanwhile you’re trekking behind them gasping for air. I know you mean well by asking me to go shopping with you, but please remember that I can’t ever say “no” to shopping and physically I cannot keep up.
7. Oh, you can’t eat/drink that! It’s not healthy for the baby!
Okay I get it. No coffee. Caffeine is bad for babies, but if I want one tiny cup of coffee I’m having it. I’m not going to drink it every day, but sometimes I want just a tiny bit of pep in me. I’m not going to get drunk or smoke cigarettes. It’s just a tiny bit off coffee so relax. Also sushi, I’ve personally researched which sushi I can and cannot eat. So stop telling me I can’t have sushi because I can. It’s just specific types that are not recommended for pregnant women.
8. Wow, it’s really hot/cold. I don’t know how you do it!
You think I don’t know that it’s super hot/cold. I’ve personally been pregnant in both winter and summer. In winter it’s really not too bad. I mean none of your jackets fit because you suddenly have a larger girth, but the extra blubber keeps you kinda warm.
Summer is a whole different ballgame. You’re so hot from the extra weight that you sweat just walking to get the mail. No amount of fans or ice cubes could possibly cool you down enough to be remotely comfortable. So please stop asking me how I’m doing with this weather, because the answer is “horrible.”
9. I bet you can’t wait for the baby to come.
Congratulations. You’ve stated the obvious. You’re damn right I’m done being pregnant. I hate my swollen feet and I miss my clothes and I miss being able to paint my own toenails. I also can’t wait to meet my little person! Thank you for betting on the odds of me hating pregnancy but you should probably keep that to yourself. I mean it’s quite obvious that I’m over it.
10. [insert a personal grotesque pregnancy story here]
I understand that tons of people have babies everyday, but I don’t want to hear about the girl whose doctor tore her baby’s head off while trying to pull it out, or the one lady who had a C-section and they left gauze in her by accident. Not what I want to hear. As I already established, I am freaking scared. I don’t want to know about all these horrible things. Why don’t you tell me about the one woman who gave birth and nothing bad happened and she went home with her little baby and lived happily ever after? Why not tell me that one?
Call it the hormones or maybe I’m just a bitch, but I actually can’t stand any of these questions and comments! I know that pregnancy is an emotional roller coaster and anyone else should figure that out, too. So please stop saying these things to pregnant women. On behalf of us all.