Regarding Your Interest In Emotional Intimacy: Your Application Is Being Processed

Thank you for your application of “I love you.”

Your forms are being processed and we are formulating a response.

It’s not that we’ve been overwhelmed with applicants. In fact, we have been taken aback in the general lack of interest in the post. Still, we must maintain the highest screening standards. Ours is a very exclusive facility.

Security is and will remain our number one concern.

Insurgents continue to be a problem.

We’re dealing with the issue in any way we can.

I’m sure you noticed the blast walls and land mines. I’m sure you saw the concertina wire and shards of broken glass. The retinal scanner, unfortunately, just wasn’t in this year’s budget, but we’re installing fingerprint ID.

These are necessary, though admittedly cumbersome precautions.

We simply cannot survive another attack.

Please note that these protocols should not be viewed as a reflection on your qualifications, which are inarguably exemplary. You dress well and smell nice. You are acceptably though not egregiously tall. You even write an adorably acerbic blog and are the bocce ball champion of the local indoor court.

Unfortunately, we have been previously fooled by seemingly similar candidates and applicants who somehow skirted these security measures in order to get under ours.

Clearance is now a long and arduous process.

Hardly anyone ever makes it through.

Be advised that even with conditional approval, your movements will be monitored and restricted. Those three little words don’t automatically get you an all-access pass. Maybe — maybe — with the proper time in grade, you can earn daily entry to the lobby. Perhaps, with a proven track record, you can get into the food court — during normal business hours, with escort, of course.

It may seem extreme, but we’ve just spent too much time building and rebuilding these chambers. Our heart is barely held together as it is.

We understand if this all seems too difficult.

We understand if you choose not to wait.

Technically, there is no need for you to access these premises. It won’t get you anything you haven’t already had. It won’t preclude you from spending the night at our apartment. It won’t keep us from attending your stuffy work functions or the odd awkward holiday event. We will still be polite to your overbearing mother. We will still serve you Rice Krispies in bed.

Your application can be rescinded at anytime without penalty.

You are welcome, even encouraged, to take it back.

In the past, many candidates have found it easier to seek fulfillment elsewhere. There are other, better-constructed establishments, ones with open-door policies and well-appointed gyms. Should you choose to keep your name in the running, however, a mental health evaluation will be required.

We want to make sure you know what you’re doing.

We want to make sure you are not under duress.

Finally, please understand that this is not a permanent position. It’s basically freelance, without benefits or guarantees. We cannot hypothesize about the stability of employment. We cannot promise fulfillment or success.
We sincerely appreciate your continued — though inexplicable — interest in our facility. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask. In the coming days, we will continue to update you on the status of your application.

Please finish your wine and order an overpriced desert.