Have you guys ever been so dead-ass wrong for something, even Iyanla couldn’t fix your life? By ‘dead-ass wrong’, I mean indisputably, objectively incorrect. Like, maybe you personally cast Lifetime’s “Aaliyah” “biopic” (I mean, did they even bother looking at Missy/Timbaland’s photos?), or emotionally endorsed someone’s blatantly narcissistic Instagram/Facebook journey? Personally, I’ve been wrong so many times, even the most sophisticated algorithms couldn’t keep track. But there’ve been just as many times when I was so wrong, and yet somehow felt so right. Does that make sense? By the way, if you’re confused about what I’m trying to say, just google “bad person” and that should clarify. With that said, here are 5 times when I was absolutely wrong, but it somehow felt really right:
ROAD RAGE: So the other day I’m driving through Los Feliz, and some weathered-looking blonde woman with 2009-era Kate Gosselin highlights in a beat-up minivan with Florida/NRA stickers all over it (if the words “white+trash” just magically popped into your head, I can see how you got there) cut me off quite aggressively. Naturally, I honked because she almost hit my car, and in response, this classy, genteel woman had the nerve to give me the finger and scream “F*** YOU!” out of her window. Can’t say I haven’t done the same before, but at that moment, something sinister took over me.
It was like the “The Conjuring: Los Angeles Road Rage,” because I angrily began following this woman for several blocks, haunting her every move, hoping to pull up next to her just so I could say something bitchy and life-ruining; except we were traveling down a two-lane road and I never got the opportunity. After about 10 blocks, I GOT MY LIFE and quickly turned off onto another street so I could center. Basically, it ain’t cute to scream at some random stranger on the street whilst following them in your mostly environmentally-conscious Prius. Nor is it sane. But did it feel fleetingly on fleek? YES!
JEALOUSY: ‘Hey Jealousy! How you been, girl? Petty, shameless, and basic? Cool! Glad to hear things are still the same!’ Isn’t jealousy such a basic bitch of an emotion though? And I should know: I’m proud to say I’ve been profoundly jealous several thousand (if not million) times in my life, because I can be insecure and fragile and sensitive. And like a dog with his bone, what’s mine is mine and I don’t want anyone else f*cking with what’s (beyond well-established) as mine. For example, I once screamed at a date (who had barely told me he “liked” me) when I saw him making eyes at some random dude sitting behind us. When I turned around and saw what was going on, Miss Jealous USA (that’s my beauty queen title obviously) went OFF on him like Whitney Houston did to Wendy Williams in this vintage interview that is actually ICONIC.
Even though this faux-love interest looked down in shame (the right reaction), because how dare he think he could innocently smile at another man in my presence and not expect me to completely flip the F out about it, I still felt stupid for having such a big reaction, because a) he wasn’t my boyfriend, but b) I’m just super jealous sometimes in that chic, Chromeo kinda way (not as much anymore — I proms.). Circa four years later, reflecting upon this lewd act of basicism, my head knows I was wrong, but my heart and soul felt that I was right, so whatevs!
OUTING PEOPLE: When I heard Andy Cohen outed Kevin Spacey in his book, “The Andy Cohen Diaries” (there’s some free Thought Catalog promotion, boo), I was disgusted, appalled, and outraged; mainly because I’ve totally done the same thing and it was so not chic! Sorry for outing you in college, [Redacted}! Breaking this down a little further: I’m sure we can all infer from the numerous photos of Kevin Spacey out and about with various rent-boy-looking twinks that he might be of the “a marriage between us would never work because you’re a homosexual, Steven” (Irene, “Real World Seattle”, 1994)-persuasion. But he’s never admitted it.
So we really don’t need to be putting his sexuality on blast in our books, so we can drum up free press because we know what will buzz in a increasingly over-saturated, celebrity-autobiographical publishing sphere *cough* Andy. At the same time, Andy was fed up with this common facade and decided to speak his truth, and I really can’t hate on that. Obviously, it goes without saying that people should come out on their own terms, and I suppose closeted gays don’t need people like a 2004-me or 2014-Andy taking away any of their discreet gay shine. Objectively speaking, we were dead-ass wrong for outing anyone before they were ready. But at the same time, who are they kidding, girl???
SH*T-TALKING EX FRIENDS/FRENEMIES: The other night I was out at a bar in Silverlake, and I bumped into a friend of an ex-friend/frenemy, and when he asked if I had seen him (“a Regina George in wolf’s clothing” if you will [casually quote Katy Perry’s twitter]), I almost choked on my Pabst Blue Ribbon (it was the $3, don’t hate), as if it were impossible not to know we were more over than Amber and Wiz (and #ByeFelicia). Of course, when probed about said over-it-ness, I blurted out: ‘I haven’t spoken to [redacted] in over 4 years, BECAUSE HE’S A BAD PERSON!’
The minute ‘bad’ left my mouth, I knew I was wrong. When my BFF (standing next to me, watching this trainwreck of an interaction) clutched my arm, I knew I was more than wrong — I was DEAD-ASS WRONG for that. Calling this ex-frenemy a ‘bad person’ was sloppy and uncalled for; and it’s been over four years since our “breakup”, and I had no business bad-mouthing him. Still, I can’t help but giggle every time I think of “BECAUSE HE’S A BAD PERSON!” So there’s that.
GOING FOR THE JUGULAR IN VERBAL WARFARE: Have the phrases, “and that’s why you’ll probably end up alone!”, or like, “and that’s why you’ll never, ever be successful in life!” ever left your mouth? If so, you’ve probably taken a cheap shot during a verbal altercation, which was deliberately meant to cut deep into someone’s core. I’ve definitely taken those. Honestly, I don’t feel great about hurting people. I mean, don’t get me wrong, if you come for me, I will destroy you like Pompeii and Bill Cosby’s legacy combined, but it doesn’t feel good.
Even though going for the jugular during fights can sometimes feel like the right thing to do because it feels like you’re winning, but you’re actually not winning. That’s just an ephemeral feeling. Like a boomerang-Eddie Murphy, you’re actually spinning all that negativity right back into your life, and you’re just building up bad karma points, and eventually those points will “cha-ching” right up and come back to you. So if you must argue, just do so fairly and squarely, and try your best to keep it like Runyon Canyon Inspiration Point above board and like Real Housewife of Atlanta, Kandi Burruss once sang, “fly above.”
In conclusion, it’s okay to be wrong and occasionally feel right about it, as long as you recognize that you’re actually wrong and being right isn’t always right.