If there’s one thing I’m really good at (besides eating, shopping, extended plank pose, and intentionally-unintentionally messy hair, etc.) — it’s dating insane guys. In fact, my BFF’s calls me “crazy paper” since crazy dudes always seem to “stick” to me. I realize this all comes back to me being cray cray myself, but that’s besides the point. The point is: if you’re into men (your inner-Samantha Jones just rolled her eyes btw), you’ve probably realized they range from actually decent to ‘I wouldn’t flinch if that motherf*cka’s decapitated head was found at the bottom of the L.A. River!’ And there’s no in between! Just kidding. There’s a lot of in between.
Please, I’m not one of those basics who makes sweeping generalizations for click-bait purposes. Obviously, we all know men are both biologically and socially programmed to be a little selfish (I was the youngest child, which means my parents have more or less ruined me). And because men can occasionally be selfish dogs, we all need to be our own amateur Cesar Millan’s and train them. We also need to be on top of our OPRAH’s and teach them how to treat us and stuff too. But what if a man is absolutely bananas-foster-insane and beyond teaching? What if he is just so depraved and insane in the membrane, giving him the time of day via your time and energy and *love* would actually drag you straight down into emotional HADES with him? Well, that’s why Mama’s here to help.
Here are 5 INSANE guys we’ve all dated (that we should never date again).
1. THE DADDY/MOMMY ISSUES DUDE: Look, we get it — your Dad/Mom left you (or did you wrong) at some extremely impressionable age, and now WE ALL MUST PAY FOR THAT — over and over and over again. Here’s the thing: there are plenty of well-adjusted people from messed up childhood. I mean, who isn’t borderline traumatized by their parents? And think about Precious! She had it worse than any of us! And Precious wasn’t out there emotionally-battering her romantic partners just because she was hurting and therefore had to make everyone else hurt too. Some of us have/had nice Dads/Moms, and if you didn’t, you should deal with your Daddy/Mommy issues in a normal, healthy, socially acceptable way: by having explicit sexual conquests with extremely older men/women (constantly)! Duh! So ultimately, while we get that your Daddy/Mommy did you wrong, we didn’t, and therefore we don’t deserve to suffer for that!
2. THE BODY-OBSESSED DUDE: Body-obsessed dudes are dudes who (you guessed it) are obsessed with their own bodies. By obsessed, I’m talking “OB-OB-OB-OBSESSED” to the point where they can casually drop their body fat percentage, bicep AND/or tricep sizes into normal, everyday conversations and think that’s fine. By the way, if you want a shot in hell of dating one of these body-obsessed dudes, you better hit the treadmill now since they don’t date “fatties” or people above 120lbs. Meaning: if you like pasta or pizza or french fries or deliciously crispy, chicken fingers, girl bye! Body-obsessed dudes don’t have time for carbs. They only have time for the gym, approximately 20-45 minutes per day of staring at themselves in the mirror at the gym-time (or in the privacy of their own work bathroom), creatine, HGH, the latest and greatest Men’s Health Twitter tips; and making sure they have enough money for weekly spray tans. So here’s a word to the wise: if you don’t want to spontaneously spiral back into that eating disorder you successfully (*wipes tear*) kicked by junior year of high school, I’d suggest you don’t date one of these insane body-obsessed dudes because I guarantee you they will never love you as much as they love their 8-packs and awesome calves!
3. THE 25+ CLOSETED GAY DUDE: Okay, so are you dating a man who spends more time in front of the mirror (obsessing about the way his hair folds into a perfect side bang) than you? Or does he compliment you on your amazingly snug L.B.D. and perhaps even touches the fabric and lets you know that you have excellent taste? Does he only have sex with you only when he’s very, very drunk (in pure jackrabbit fashion); or only right after a workout (also in jackrabbit fashion [he’s an emotional-twin of body-obsessed dude btw]). Or maybe he can only do it with a porn on, except you feel like he’s staring a little too much at the dude in the porn? Well, honey, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you’re not his girlfriend, you’re his HAG! And he’s the exact same thing, except substitute an “F” for the “H” (I’m gay, so I’m taking back that word [don’t start with me, haters]). The sad thing is: the 25+ closeted gay dudes had plenty of time to come out while they were experimenting with dudes in college, except they didn’t want the stigma of being gay, or thought they could fake it for a lifetime and casually cheat on you with dudes from Craigslist in the interim. I just know that if you love yourself, you will break up with the 25+closeted gay dude, before he coasts along for several years (with no engagement promise in sight) and robs you of your childbearing years, just so he can break up with you later on and go to his first White Party in Palm Springs with his new twink boyfriend, Skylar.
4. THE COMPULSIVE CHEATER DUDE: This dude has turned cheating into an art form. He’s cheated on every person in every single relationship he’s ever been in, just because he could. He cheats on you so often — you’re in couples counseling about it, except he’s not paying attention to what your therapist is saying and is actually fantasizing about cheating with him/her too (we see you Jax from Vanderpump Rules)! One time, he cheated on you with some so unattractive it almost made you question whether he had an ugly fetish. Maybe you were just too cute, and that’s why he had to cheat? Nope! He just loves cheating, and he loves the thrill of possibly getting caught, and he sabotages every relationship because his high school/college girlfriend/boyfriend cheated on him and now he’s out to avenge that injustice by revenge-cheating on every single decent girl/guy who’s ever put up with his shenanigans for more than a month. He hates you and himself, and he is trying to cheat the pain away. A word to the wise: don’t stick around for that hot-ass mess. He’s going to cheat on you while you’re in labor with his child/waiting for the surrogate implanted with his fetus to give birth. So please don’t even think for a second he can be cured, because once a….always a…., okay hunty?
5. THE SELFISH DUDE: Look, you guys — if you’re being emotionally abused and treated like dirt, it’s not your boyfriend’s fault! He’s just selfish! And he told you so! Remember? That one time over a beer early on in the relationship? He casually dropped into conversation that he’s ‘selfish’, and therefore all of his sh*tty behavior is totally acceptable! Sorry you forgot that, dumb-dumb! He’s just selfish, and because of that he will just do whatever the f*** he pleases, whenever it suits him. I mean, wouldn’t it be nice to date a man who offers you a ride home from his house after you took the bus to get there because your car broke down? Sure! That would be, except ain’t gonna happen with a selfish dude. That would mean he would need to get up off his lazy ass and not do him for ten minutes, and you must be dreaming if you think that’s ever going to happen. Or how about dinner? Wouldn’t it be nice to eat dinner with your boyfriend on a Friday night? Whoops! He ate dinner with his friends (you weren’t invited), and he does this every single weekend, so don’t plan on thinking he owes you dinner or something traditional like that! How about mutually satisfying sex? Sorry about it! Put it on your vision board, girl! He’s there to pleasure one person and one person alone: HIM. As soon as he’s finished, so are you. Do y’all see where I’m going with this? Selfish dudes don’t care about anyone other than themselves, and they’ll never make good husbands or fathers or boyfriends or even friends, because they’re too busy thinking about their own needs (constantly) for them ever to actually love someone else. Deep down — they hate themselves. But the good news is: you DON’T, so keep on steppin’ and ladies and gents and find someone that loves you just as much as you love them.
Obviously, there are several thousand other versions of extremely insane dudes that I’m sure we’ve all dated that we should never date again. But we’re human, and perhaps we might date them again, or perhaps we’ve learned our lessons, and we’re ready to be like, “Girl, Interrupted” and leave the insane asylum for cozier, less chaotic and happy lives. Wouldn’t that be insane?