I have long hair. It falls just below my bra line unless it’s in it’s natural curly state, and every morning as I dry it straight, I gear myself up for another day of totally vain—yet totally real—long hair problems. I love my long hair but I loathe it, too. Let me count the ways…
1. Catching my hair in the car door.
If you have long hair, you know what I’m talking about. I’m running to the car in an effort to get out of the wind and avoid the “Cousin It” look and suddenly, I realize not all of me made it into the car before slamming the door. (Nothing like self-inflicted whiplash, OUCH.) Twice already this year I’ve found myself sheepishly admitting to my chiropractor that the reason my neck is out of alignment is because I basically tried to rip my own head off hopping into the car too fast.
2. Spitting on my own hair when I’m brushing my teeth.
It’s not the brightest move, but hey, sometimes it just happens. (See also: When my hair falls in my cereal in the morning.)
3. Zipping my hair into a jacket zipper.
It’s like the physical equivalent of a guy catching his man parts in a zipper, especially when I’ve already debated between the lesser of two evils: “hair in the jacket and scratching my neck” or “hair out of the jacket and being wind blown.” Not fair.
4. Being sucked into fans/suctions.
THIS IS A TRUE STORY. I had a friend who nearly suffered a mini-heart attack when her hair was sucked into the motor of an air mattress pump. After she calmed down and was able to breathe again, she gasped, “Did any of my hair get ripped off?” Luckily, the damage was minimal, and she lived to see another day. Another friend was simply walking past a commercial fan and her hair was sucked right in! She was fine, but it was horrifying. Beware any suctions/wind machines.
5. When I think my hair’s attacking me.
The moment when you think there’s a spider on your shoulder and you freak the eff out only to be like “LOL, just kidding, it was my hair that I wear everyday.” Nice.
6. When my circular brush becomes entangled in my hair.
Oh yes, the realization that my hair has wrapped around the brush from both sides, and I can’t figure out how to get it out. Visions of scissors and bald spots flash before my eyes as I frantically try to stay calm and untangle.
7. Constantly debating between drying my hair or applying my deodorant first.
This is an ongoing problem for me. If I get out of the shower and put my shirt on while I dry my hair, my shirt gets wet from my damp hair. If I put a towel around my shoulders to keep my shirt dry, it always falls off. I could take my shirt off, but then my hair inevitably blows into my armpits and gets a nice deodorant film on the ends. I could put deodorant on after I dry my hair, but then I might sweat and…yuck. So to keep my hair out of the deodorant, I need to put a shirt on before I dry my hair. But wait, that’s where the problem started…
8. When my boyfriend falls asleep on my hair.
Have you noticed there’s always more hair when you lay down? My boyfriend thinks my hair is beautiful until he spoons me and ends up hacking up a hairball. Then he promptly falls asleep on it, trapping me for the rest of the night. Hope you peed before you snuggled up!
9. Babies are a problem.
They love to pull it, tangle it in their tiny little baby fingers, and yank it right off my sensitive pretty little head.
10. Getting a trim is an experience in and of itself.
Forget a nice relaxing day at the salon, my hairdresser likes to gauge how straight she’s cutting my hair by working on a flat surface aka my back. This means I have to either stand up or lean waaaay forward so that my ends aren’t touching the chair. Then she uses her tool of pain, I mean hairbrush, and rips through my entire two-foot mop as if she was brushing it with frayed steel wool and planning to chop my ears off in the process. Yet I keep going back to her because, in the end, it looks wonderful, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let anyone ruin three years of hair growth.
At the end of the day though, all of these problems are just a chop away from a whole new set of problems: short hair problems, which include gravity-defining volume, cowlicks that won’t lie down, and all the other reasons why I decided that I’d rather embrace long hair problems. Now if I could just figure out a fool-proof way to mend split ends.