What Waze Does, According to Someone Who Has Never Used It
By Ed Herro
Waze is a free mobile navigation application that allows drivers to build and use live maps, real-time traffic updates and turn-by-turn navigation for an optimal commute. Or at least, that’s what their website says. I have never used it. That’s right. I have never used Waze. But, apparently, everyone I know uses it every single day.
Each morning I am met by my co-workers’ effusive praise of this little app.
“I got here in 26 minutes!”
“I went on three different highways and two streets I have never heard of but I have never gotten to work quicker!”
“Waze told me there was a cop up ahead and then… there was! I love Waze!”
Man, Waze is awesome. It has revolutionized the GPS experience. By allowing people to add their own alerts to the live network, we may never experience driving the same way again. And even the people that don’t use Waze benefit from it. Or, at least, that’s what everyone that uses Waze tells me. And that isn’t annoying at all.
“You’re so lucky! You don’t even use Waze but since we all use it, traffic is lighter for you, too! We are making YOUR commute easier… for free!”
I get it. I get it. You are all making the world a better, faster place. And I appreciate it. Even though it does seem a little scary that, from what I can tell, you Waze users are spending an awful lot of your “driving” time with your eyes glued to a tiny screen, inputting traffic alerts and “liking” other people’s equally hazardous traffic alerts.
But I’ve never used Waze. And maybe if I did use it, I too would be a Waze disciple. It’s like those six people left in the world who haven’t seen Breaking Bad. They must hate us. With all our talk and excitement and expectations. It’s gotta be super annoying. But, really, they should just fucking watch Breaking Bad.
So let’s see what Waze offers and then I can make a clear decision on whether to join the legion of adoring fans.
Here are all the things Waze does, according to everyone I have ever heard talk about Waze.
- Waze gets you to your destination faster than any other GPS service ever created.
- Waze can tell you how many other Waze users are in your area using the service.
- Waze warns you of a police officer up ahead so you can avoid a speeding ticket.
- Waze highlights accidents on your route so you can detour.
- Waze gives you color-coded traffic congestion along all possible routes to your destination.
- Waze can babysit your kids.
- Waze allows other users to “like” your traffic update. I’m not really sure how that helps anyone or anything.
- Waze has a tendency to underestimate how hard is it to turn left across traffic.
- Waze makes driving fun.
- Waze eats organic.
- Waze breaks traffic down into categories like: Light, Moderate, Heavy and Bumper to Bumper.
- Waze calculates the average speed of drivers at any given point on your map.
- Waze likes milk and cereal.
- Waze compliments your mother.
- Waze always gets the best Groupons before you have even heard about them.
- Waze ordered lunch and didn’t ask if you wanted any.
- Waze prefers sparkling over flat.
- Waze loves “Blurred Lines” more than you’d like.
- Waze didn’t want to mention this but you have something on your shirt.
- Waze stole your girlfriend.