The Benefits Of Being Racist

It’s been a rough week, racially speaking. There was the Trayvon Martin case which was heartbreaking. But here’s another disturbing thing you may have missed.

In case you didn’t hear, Cheerios had the nerve to assume it was OK to make a cute commercial with a mixed-race couple. You know, because it’s 2013. But the YouTube video had to disable the Comments section because too many racists posted slurs about Nazis and genocide. You know, because it’s 1013.

Here is the original video:


Pretty shocking stuff, right? That man and that woman? Can you imagine those two people loving each other? And you can see the horror they (fictionally) created right there in front of our eyes. That child is clearly a demon. Sure, her cute smile and overall human-ness can be deceiving but we know, deep down, she is an abomination against our God who tells us to love one another no matter what.

But there is hope. And the hope is, surprisingly, NOT in the hands of uneducated, scared bigots. I know. It usually is. Throughout time, most progress toward human betterment is generated by people who think they are arbitrarily better than other people. But not this time. This time the hope comes from the kids. Kids who haven’t yet learned to hate people just because of their skin color. And hopefully they never will. Here is the charming, hopeful video of kids reacting to the video:


OK, these cute kids make some decent points. But we all know they’re full of shit, right? So, without further ado, here are some clear benefits to being racist.

1. No need to waste time getting to know someone. Why waste time meeting someone, then learning who they are and what they’re about when it’s so much quicker to just give them a racial overlay you can judge them by? “Sure, she seems smart and compassionate but I know her people. They are a bunch of thieving gypsies.”

2. Hate the president without having to learn his policies. Similar to #1, but with national security overtones. “Not only did I vote for his opponent, I know he’s a piece of garbage because his skin is somewhat different than mine.

3. Get invited to exclusive fraternal organizations like golf clubs and the KKK. You’ve been wasting your time with book clubs and charity work. Why not be recruited by the worst of the worst? Make a newsletter, rant on a sidewalk, just get your message out. Don’t worry, not too far down the line is a fanatical group that likes your message of hate and ignorance. Make sure to come to their meetings on Thursdays. It’s two-for-one at the bar, free hot dog night, and “hate humanity” all night long.

So, enjoy America. Keep up the good work. Vote, speak and lynch all you can. Because if that’s what we, as a people, still amount to, we don’t amount to much. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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