Let My People Wander: A Passover Tale

Day 1

Jew 1: We have Ten Commandments.
Jew 2: Ten!
Jew 1: And we’re so close to our new hometown.
Jew 2: No more slavery!
Jew 1: There’s a beautiful oasis just waiting for us.
Jew 2: I can’t wait!

_____

Day 9

Jew 1: I love being free!
Jew 2: Woo!
Jew 1: I just wish it wasn’t so hot.
Jew 2: I think we’re almost there.

_____

Day 39

Jew 1: The sun sure is bright out here.
Jew 2: That doesn’t matter! I’ve got hope!
Jew 1: Me too!

_____

Day 112

Jew 2: Let’s compare mirages again!
Jew 1: Fine.

_____

Day 361

Jew 1: I think we’re going in circles.
Jew 2: I don’t see any Egyptians, do you?

_____

Year 3

Jew 2: You look tan.
Jew 1: Shut up.

_____

Year 5

Jew 2: Sometimes I can’t tell where the sand stops and my feet start.

_____

Year 7

Jew 1: I’m starting to think he doesn’t even know where we’re going.
Moses: Who doesn’t know where we’re going?
Jew 2: Oh, um, he was talking about Ephraim, the newborn.
Moses: I see.
Jew 1: Do you?
Moses: What?
Jew 1: What?
Jew 2: When’s dinner?

_____

Year 9

Jew 1: Why won’t Moses just ask Him?
Jew 2: Don’t you think He has more important things to do?
Jew 1: No, not really.

_____

Year 14

God: How’s it going?
Moses: Well, we’re still kind of wandering in the desert.
God: I can see that.
Moses: So I was wondering–
God: Hold on.
Moses: I’m just trying to say–
God: Shh. I hear something. Do you hear that?
Moses: I don’t know–
God: Shh. Be quiet. I’ll be right back.

_____

Year 15

Jew 2: This doesn’t taste so bad!
Jew 1: You’re licking your hand.
Jew 2: Oh.

_____

Year 17

God: Back. What were you saying?
Moses: I was just saying we’re a little lost.
God: I’ll say.
Moses: Any advice?
God: Not especially.

_____

Year 21

Jew 2: I thought you were dead!
Jew 1: I thought you were dead!
Jew 2: It’s just so hard to see in these damned sandstorms.
Jew 1: I hate ‘em.
Jew 2: Just pretend you’re getting a million tiny massages.

_____

Year 24

Jew 2: Aren’t those camels supposed to have humps?
Jew 1: That’s where they store water.
Jew 2: Exactly!
Jew 1: We don’t have any water.
Jew 2: Right.

_____

Year 26

Moses: Just give me a point in the right direction.
God: Can’t you see I’m busy?
Moses: No, I can’t.
God: Hold on.
Moses: Jesus Christ.
God: What?
Moses: Never mind.
God: What did you just say?
Moses: Nothing.

_____

Year 27

Jew 2: Didn’t Moses turn 100 a decade ago?
Jew 1: More I think.
Jew 2: And he’s the one who’s leading us in this heat?
Jew 1: It appears so.

_____

Year 29

Jew 2: Would you like some breakfast?
Moses: Of course!
Jew 1: How about some luscious oasis fruit?
Moses: What?
Jew 1: Perhaps you’d like a cool glass of water.
Moses: I don’t understand.
Jew 1: There won’t be any sand in it.
Moses: Really?

_____

Year 30

Jew 1: I feel like 30 is a big year.
Jew 2: Just think of it as 29 plus 1.

_____

Year 32

Jew 2: Us Jews look so alike!
Jew 1: Because we’re all covered in sand.

_____

Year 35

Moses: Laughter yoga will keep our spirits high!

_____

Year 38

Jew 2: I’m starting to get used to this whole desert lifestyle.
Jew 1: Yeah?  What’s the last thing you ate?
Jew 2: Fair point.

_____

Year 39

Jew 2: We do appreciate your hard work.
Moses: Thank you.
Jew 2: Okay. Rock, papyrus, swords.

_____

Year 40

Jew 2: We made it!
Jew 1: Just in time for retirement. TC mark

image – Rembrandt

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  • Haley

    And let the Jewish puns begin….

    (ps: that was amazing.)

  • Michaelwg

    Google Maps FTW

  • Sammy

    I’m adding this to my Haggadah right now and assigning parts to family members. No joke.

  • Anonymous

    Is this from the Talmud?

  • James

    Didn’t know they had desserts out in the desert!

  • Oliver Miller

    Hell yeah.  As a Jew, I have always admired God’s dickish-drunken-mean-old-grandfather type of “tough love” approach to us, er, chosen people.

    • Anonymous

      you dont look like a jew. 

  • beatrice

    ok not Jewish, but I’m a Christian? Ok yea I know, hardly counts. Either ways, I’m a Christian and I found this downright hilarious. Well done!

  • Maris

    this could have been SO much funnier. not offended or anything, i just think its kinda dumb

  • Hannah

    Funniest thing I’ve read in a while. Sending to all of my Jewish, and non-Jewish friends, right now.

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