To The Man I Let Down: You Deserve Someone Better

I want to start by apologizing; I am really sorry for not giving you the chance you deserve. I am really sorry for having second thoughts. I am really sorry for stopping myself from taking a step towards you. I am sorry for being a coward.

I have never talked to anyone I have never seen in person yet until I met you. We started through email; exchanged little details about ourselves. You even judged me a lot for not liking most of the things and food you like. But still, it did not change how you see me – for you I was cool enough.

We sent each other pictures of food that we eat and places we were in. We sent pictures of what we were wearing some days. I was never much of a talker until I met you. I did not ask people how their day was until you started asking me on a daily basis. I thought it was natural for you; I thought it was a normal thing you do so I did not give meaning to anything.

We would send paragraphs of emails day by day for almost a month. I have never talked to anyone, any guy, that loves talking and sharing that much. You were different. You were never afraid to say what you wanted to say. You shared EVERYTHING with me, but it was a job for you make me open up. It was hard for you to soften up my frozen heart. I pushed you away too far.

One night you asked me about the idea of taking me out for dinner – take note: you live 1519.8 miles away from me – which made me smile for a week or two; it made me feel giddy inside; it made my butterflies dance for so long in my stomach; it made the birds twirl in my head for God knows how long. You came to like me that much – to go out of your way to meet the girl you met through articles… and it felt amazing – I felt wonderful.

I thought about it over and over and over, but even if I change my mind, I could not take back the fact that I already turned you down. I was and still am insecure, and self-conscious. I did not agree with the idea of you traveling because I do not like you; I turned it down because I was worried of “what if’s.” I was scared of how things will turn out. I was scared of what would it be like if I turned out to be someone you would never like in person. And so I said no.

I always thought what we had was something more than “pen pals” and “text mates.” But I was too naive to notice you have felt the same way, not until you stopped texting me – and you told me so yourself. But it was too late – I was a week or two too late – I already pushed you far enough to take a step back.

When you told me could be one to turn my world upside down again, I knew it could happen. It could happen if I would allow it. Your good morning messages simply make me smile and fuel my day. Whenever I was trying to scare you, I imagine how cute we would look like together if you ever get scared by my side – I would wrap my arms around you and assure you that you would not face your ghosts alone.

So to the guy who deserves all the chances and love he could possibly get, I am sorry for not taking a shot with you. Thank you nonetheless for making me feel so special and amazing. Thank you for making me feel like I deserve everything. Thank you for making me feel that a thousand miles are nothing if it was for me. If I could take back time, I would have taken courage and told you what I truly felt.

You were amazing, effortlessly. It was so easy for you to brighten up my day. You celebrated my success with me – my articles, my A’s, every little thing. I guess it all felt new and unfamiliar, and I was always afraid to take paths I have never been to before.

You deserve someone who would fall hard with you without hesitations. You deserve someone who would take chances on you without regrets. You deserve someone who would open up her book to put you in its chapters. You deserve more than what I could give.

You deserve more than me. You deserve something more terrific and real. You deserve someone who knows what she wants. You deserve what you are giving. You deserve a heart as big as yours. You deserve someone who would meet you halfway. You deserve someone who is never afraid of falling so deep, someone who would give you her heart and would be her world, someone who would crash on hard concrete with you.

But, please, know that it was surreal since the day that I met you. I never knew it would be possible to like someone I have never met in person before; I never knew it was possible to be a part of someone I have only met through email. I never knew that I was capable of being comfortable to someone who was once a stranger to me. You showed me how to care less to something that would not make me happy. You taught me to never be afraid to try new things. And lastly, you taught me how it would feel to regret holding on to something that could have last.