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Why Are We So Addicted To Holding Onto Our Pain?

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Chloe Si

Why do we keep holding on? Why do we keep on grasping for something that has been slipping out of our hands for a very long time? Why do we keep allowing people to hurt us? Why is it so important to sacrifice our own emotions for their impression? Why do we keep on easing the pain behind the curtains? Why cannot we walk out and move on?

I have witnessed people try to mend their broken pieces by running back to whatever crashed them in the first place – I am one of them; I have watched myself run back to the thorns that once left me holes to bleed out. I have witnessed people make the same mistakes that once broke them – I am one of them; I kept on choosing what I know was not right for me. I have witnessed troopers and soldiers still fight in spite their open wounds and missing parts – I am one of them; I gave too much of myself that there is nothing worth it was left for me.

But like myself, I know people will keep on standing up after falling and crashing. I know people will pick their pieces up and stitch themselves back to a whole again. I have witnessed strong fighters who fought a good fight and won; I have also seen warriors fought with all their best and knew when to surrender – they knew when to stop fighting for they knew an ending is better than a war lost and have left you with nothing, not even pride and dignity.

Is it because we crave for so much emotion that the only strong feeling we feel is pain alone?

Why can not we feel too much happiness? Too much joy? Too much pride? Why do we always have to choose too much pain? Maybe it is because pain is the only emotion making us feel alive – making us feel that there is something inside of us is damaged but still works. Maybe it is because we crave for a proof that we are alive.

But does it have to be that painful every time? Why can not it be pain from too much laughter? Pain from partying too hard last night – bruises, headaches, missing falsies? Why does it have to be pain from a negative aspect?

How about we break something traditional today? How about you start getting up today and just smile? Wake up, brush your teeth, have a good breakfast, walk in streets and greet a stranger, buy your lunch from your local restaurant. Stand up today and start walking – walk to the opposite direction to what has been hurting you. Let go one at a time of the things that has been chaining you to your cage.

I am not asking you to change yourself, but please change how you treat and how you take care of yourself. Stop taking every unhealthy factor of your life. Let them go one at a time, for I know bad habits die hard and what you have been used to doing is hard to break. But know that there is nothing more important than yourself. Always remember your worth and remember to slay whatever demon comes in your way.

You have to be strong and move forward, never looking back to what had been imprisoning you this whole time. Wake up from the fantasy that the situation will change even if you do nothing but pray and hope. Do something for He can only do so much as protecting and guiding you.

So pick up your pieces, honey, stitch them back to you piece by piece – do not rush, we are running after something.

It takes a time to heal; it takes time for wounds to close and go back to their natural state. Healing is a self-project that does not have a deadline to meet.

And when you get back on your feet, know that pain is not the only emotion that would make you feel alive; please remember that there are more feelings to embrace that the pain you have been keeping for a very long time. Go back running – in hills with flower beds chasing butterflies. Look back – in paintings you missed in the museums. And hold on – to yourself and never let anyone take you away from you. TC mark

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