I was lying on the bathtub floor, cold water running between my bare legs when a memory of you flashed through my mind. The memory where you held my hand and told me that there is nothing to worry about, that we would get through it all, we would get through monsters and all. But it was all left in the memory lane.
You needed time, you needed space, and you needed to be sure if your love for me was still strong enough to ease all the pain. But it was not anymore.
It has been years since we last spoke. I even got used to the idea of being alone, of me telling myself I am beautiful, I am strong, and I deserve more. I told things to myself and I started believing them. I deserve more, I am worth it, and I do not need someone to be happy.
I grew up being told to look for a man who will love me more than I love him. I grew up being told to be with a man who is willing to sacrifice everything for me. I grew up being told to choose the man who will sweep me off of my feet.
But nobody told me be careful choosing someone to love.
Nobody told me it would hurt like hell when you loved more than you were loved. Nobody told me it would hurt when your fairytales were trashed. So I told myself to wait for someone who will choose me above anything and anyone else, to not rush things, to not force things, to not make myself believe in things that are not true.
I was stuck watching cliché rom-coms as time passed by. The Notebook, A Walk to Remember, 10 Things I Hate About You, 50 First Dates, et cetera. One thing they all have in common: he loves her more than she loves him – he would do anything, everything, to win her, to be with her.
I thought that kind of love was what we had, but seeing things from now, I do not honestly know if you ever loved me, or were you just scared to be on your own.
I do not blame you for anything, on the contrary, I do thank you. For making me feel what it felt like being needed, what it felt like being introduced to the family – what if felt like to belong to another home. I thank you for making it clear to me it was wrong forcing wrong pieces puzzles in the frame.
So, no, I am not mad, I am not bitter, I do not regret anything. But I do not want to be in that kind of game again. I was definitely not informed we were playing hide and seek the whole time. I I had known, I would have given up easily, because I do not play games. It is deadly to play with people’s feelings, to play tricks on their minds. Do not make it a habit.
If you do not, or cannot love the person, stay away from her, leave her alone, and do not give false hopes.
I ignored the signs. I knew from the start that I was an option, but I thought it was better than nothing. I was wrong. I did not see I was already forcing things in their wrongful places. I was blinded by what was called love for you.
If the time comes, I will be with someone who will do the little things for me. Who would carry all the grocery bags, who would not mind picking me up from wherever the hell I am, who would go purposely out of the way just to see me, who would not be bothered by my body, who would not mind my clinginess.
So remember: never settle for someone who would only give you half even if he can actually give you a whole and more. Set your standards high, be with someone who will love you more, who will bring you to fancy restaurants for a dinner, who will explore ice cream parlors with you, who will try new things with you, be with someone who will voluntarily scrub your back to where your hands could not reach anymore.
Be with someone who deserves you.