I only cried once when you left, I cried for one whole day. Once for months, anyways – it was long enough ‘til I cried for you again. I was off that day, I locked myself in my room, cried myself to sleep, lost my appetite for the day, and went to the beach for a drink or two with my sisters trying to cheer me up. It was windy that night, there was thunder and lightning even; my eyes were sore red from crying. I wasn’t mad at all, but I wanted to be.
I managed to smile like I always do, you know, my signature smile that shows my deep dimple everyone’s envious of. Nobody even thought I was going through something that time unless they asked me how we were doing. I managed to be strong for myself – up until you came back.
Two months since you called it quits, we started talking again, you were even saying stuff that hint that you were still into me. But it only took three weeks ‘til you decided you can’t do it anymore… again. I was so used not getting my hopes up with you, but that caught me off guard, I thought we were going somewhere again. But, surprise! you walked out of my life again. Months after, you’re in a new commitment – it only took eight months for you to move on and replace that four years we had.
We met up days after your birthday. I was ranting about how I was ready to give up everything for you. You asked me why I was even telling you those details. I answered, “So you’ll know what you wasted.” I was hurting all the time I was beside you that night. I wanted to hug you, to cry on your shoulder, to tell you I still love you, but I didn’t. I didn’t because I know she loves you, and I know that if I did, you’ll leave her. I wanted to steal kisses from you that night – damn, I miss your lips.
If I didn’t stop myself that night, I know we’ll continue to destroy each other; we were growing apart. I saw that when you left; I realized everything when you left. It is always better to look at things from afar.
I wanted to be the one to make your bad days into good ones, if that isn’t possible, then I’ll just be there for your bad days, and allow you to turn my day into a bad one, too. I want to be the one to witness your everyday, and feel what you feel, but understand that I can’t put you in a situation that makes you choose, choosing whether to bring me in with your pain or not, to bring me in your plans or not, because it hurts me, knowing that you have options beside me hurts, it’s breaking me.
This may be not the ending I dreamt for us, but I know this is the one we needed.