Airplane travel isn’t easy; you’re forced to sit in a seat only a toddler would find comfortable, your knees jammed into your chest, fearing for your life that blood clots are developing in your legs due to lack of movement. You’re hungry; even though that giant bag of snacks was supposed to last the entire flight, you’ve finished it off out of boredom within the first 15 minutes. And that in-flight entertainment? That doesn’t come free. And if it does, there’s a good chance it’s experiencing some technical difficulties. The only thing that makes this even worse is that you’re not alone. Nope, you are forced to share this confined space with these great offenders:
1. Talkative Tammy
It was very nice of her to say hello as she sat down next to you, but that was only her opening line. Tammy wants to get to know all about you, and more importantly, share all about herself, throughout the entire flight. Even a sleep-mask over your eyes and earbuds in your ears won’t deter her from forcing a conversation upon you.
2. Social Media Obsessed Sally
Does anyone really understand how a plane works? This heavy monstrosity somehow magically levitates amongst the clouds?! It’s crazy! So when the flight attendants asks everyone to turn off all their electronics, it’s Sally who ignores the announcement, continuing to update Facebook with her “Peace Out NY” status and her Instagram with photos of the plane’s wings. There must be a reason they tell you to turn of your electronics! How selfish are you that you risk bringing down this entire plane just so that you can “like” a few more selfies! Huh, Sally?
3. Overflowing Oliver
There are very set boundaries of where your space is on the plane. It’s your small quadrant between the two arm rests. But Oliver is spilling over into your space. His elbows splayed out, as he taps on his laptop and his head inching over the boundary towards yours as he falls asleep.
4. Tuna-Eating Emily
Emily likes tuna. She also likes egg salad and kimchi. And she doesn’t think twice about breaking out her stinky food on an enclosed area with circulated air.
5. Kicking Kyle
Kyle is 10-years-old and he too does not want to be on this flight. He can’t sit still so he funnels all his energy out through his legs straight into the back of your chair. And where is Kyle’s mom? She’s sitting with her eyes closed, ignoring the the torture her child imposes.
6. Rushing Randy
Randy wants to get off the plane the second it lands. As we all do. But unlike Randy, we have restraint and manners. But Randy can’t sit in his seat until told to take off his seatbelt, prompting the flight attendants to scold him for standing. And even though Randy is in the last row, he’ll sooner knock you down then wait for you to exit before him in the manner that planes are meant to be exited.
7. Freaking Out Frida
Frida is afraid of flying and doesn’t have any Xanax to calm her down. Instead, she is going to project her fears onto you, spewing out plane crash statistics and each bump of turbulence grasping the arm rest telling us all that this is the end.
8. Noisy Nancy
Nancy is either yapping across the aisle to her neighbor, blasting her music through her headphones, or chomping her gum with full-jaw-crushing strength.
9. Cranky Carl
Carl is a flight attendant and he hates his job. This seems like the type of career that one would know what they are getting into, but somehow, Carl thought it was just going to be free flights to Cabo and one round of beverage services all flight. Ask Carl for a second drink and he’ll huff that he is extremely busy. And if Randy gets in his way, he better watch it. Carl doesn’t have time for the difficult, the sick, the needy or just the average flyer.
10. Snoring Stanley
Some people, like Stanley, just luck out with their ability to fall asleep anywhere. And then, they make it impossible for you to sleep with their mouth air-horn effects. And, did I mention Stanley’s middle name is Drooling Donny?