The Holiday Season Movie Review (So You Don’t Have To Watch Them)

It’s a frigid 60 degrees in Los Angeles and there is nothing better than spending the holiday break indoors, catching up on the latest films. No longer will I go into awards season placing blind bets – now is the time to watch the contenders. Like Roger and Ebert’s two thumbs up, I tend to have movie-induced narcolepsy, so I go by the two eyes open rating. Here are the films I’ve seen thus far. While many of the reviews you read online will go deep into dissecting the film, I offer you the opposite – my most surface, superficial observations. Suggested taglines and ratings included.

A Most Violent Year

  • It’s 1981 – Michael Jackson isn’t the only one startin’ something.
  • My generation of single girls has been trained to hunt for men in finance. But this movie brings up a valid point – oil is where it’s at.
  • 2 Eyes Open

Men, Women & Children

  • In the World Wide Web, we are the flies.
  • Unlike Jennifer Garner’s daughter in the film, I’d get way more ass if my mom was pretending to be me online. Also, thank the lord I got out of high school before Facebook existed.
  • 1 Eye Open

Foxcatcher

  • If he doesn’t have any friends, that’s probably a sign…
  • If I were a gay male, I’d 100 percent join the wrestling team. I haven’t seen a singlet like the once Channing Tatum stuffed himself into since a crazy night of dancing at the Abby. Also, I will always see Steve Carell as Michael Scott, even with a giant prosthetic nose on him. Cause really, how Michael Scott would it be to try and coach those wrestlers?
  • 0 Eyes Open

The Imitation Game

  • The Greatest Nazi Killer of All – Math.
  • I’m just gonna say it – I don’t get Benedict Cumberbatch’s appeal. Sorry Cumberbitches.
  • 2 Eyes Open

The Interview

  • This would never happen.
  • Really? REALLY? This is what you’re freaking out about, KJU? You didn’t need to hack their emails to make them look bad; this movie does it all on it’s own. Also, what kind of Seth Rogan film involves zero marijuana consumption? I’ll tell you – a
    bad one.
  • 1/2 Eye Open

Boyhood

  • Life’s a bitch and then ya die.
  • Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on you, Patricia Arquette’s character – you picked not one, but two, alcoholic husbands? Talk about having a type.
  • 1 Eye Open

Obvious Child

  • First comes abortion, then comes love.
  • I thought Jenny Slate was bat shit cray when I saw her perform at the Largo, but after this movie, I totally am on board with her. I found her amusing, relatable, and she did not bring up any feelings of wanting to punch her in the face.
  • 2 Eyes Open

Nightcrawler

  • Manipulating the news isn’t just for Fox.
  • This town is filled with unemployed people with Canon HDs; get ready for the latest moneymaking craze.
  • 1 Eye Open TC mark

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