I’ve watched my share of Million Dollar Listing and MTV’s Cribs (oh, MTV, those were the best of times) but nothing I ever saw compared to the palace I heard about this past weekend on Last Week Tonight With John Oliver. President Erdogan, the president of Turkey (the country, not your dad on Thanksgiving), unveiled his new presidential palace and it has 1,000 rooms. One. Zero. Zero. Zero. Imagine the interior decorator who scores that job? With all those rooms, it’s a mystery as to what the hell Mr. Erdogan is going to do with them, but John Oliver had some pretty clever suggestions such as the Giant Room Full of Tapioca Pudding or The Pivenery, a room filled with 12,000 photos of Jeremy Piven. Oh, the possibilities.
If I could dream up some rooms to fill my imaginary, 1,000-room palace, they would include:
1. The Late Night Binge Room
The food in this room would be the exact opposite of the health food that I keep and pretend to only eat, in my kitchen. This would be the place where I’d come when I’m stumbling home from the bar at 3AM, starving. This room would have a pizza oven and a fro-yo machine where I could stick my head right under the dispenser, because it’s my house and I can do whatever I want. I’d have a maid on staff to clean the room every morning at 5AM, so I’d never have to see the evidence from the night before.
2. The Real Housewives Room
It’s pretty much like the set of Watch What Happens Live but filled with every RHW product in existence. It’s a place where I can kick back, drink some Fabellini http://www.tgfabellini.com/ while snacking on some Skinnygirl hummus skinnygirlfresh.com/ (yes, Bethenny makes food now too!) and rock out to Kim Zolciak’s “Don’t Be Tardy to the Party.” I’d maybe even invite some gal pals over for an educational viewing of “Tickle His Pickle, by Dr. Sadie Allison,” http://www.bedroomkandibyrenee.com/product-line.html part of Atlanta Housewife’s Kandi Burruss’ line of Bedroom Kandi.
3. The Ball Pit Room
Ball pits are like Jacuzzis with less hassle! All the fun, but no wet bathing suits to deal with after. Sink into a pit of balls and let your worries fade away. Especially, the worry that my ball pit will be filled with the nasty germs that accompany most public ones, because this pit is adults only.
4. The Champagne Room
Sex allowed. No strippers, just a room filled with all the champagne you can drink (including OJ for morning mimosas)!
5. The Dark Room
No, not kind where you develop photos, although, on second thought, throw one of those in too, because, why not, I’ve got the space. However, this dark room I speak of is the room where you go to sleep when you do not want to be disturbed. No alarm, no natural disaster, no nothing, is going to get you out of bed until you are rested and ready. It very well may be the place you go after hanging out in the Champagne Room the night before. Equipped with the comfiest bed money can buy and absolutely no sunlight.
6. The Puppy Room
With so many rooms, I can’t just have one or even two dogs. They’ll get lost! I’ll have many, many puppies, all in this room, so I can go and literally do this:
7. The Car Wash Room
All the amenities of a car wash, in my own house! Sometimes I’ll just go here because I find riding through a car wash really soothing. Anyone else?
8. The Friends Room
Paying homage to my favorite sitcom, this room will look like the set of Central Perk, but will also have a few one of kind Friends memorabilia I acquired, like the giant white dog, Pat The Dog, and the sunglassed-turkey Monica wore in a Thanksgiving episode. I’ll get James Michael Tyler, the actor who played Gunther, to work the espresso machine because let’s be honest, that guy probably needs a job.
9. The Tap Dancing Room
I tap danced as a kid and I have to say, I killed it. As an adult, I’ve never been able to tap as I please in my own home. Be it a roommate or the tenant below, no one’s a fan of my sweet feet music. Now that I have my own casa, I will have a room where I can tap til’ I collapse. There will even be a selection of top hats and canes in the room, if I desire such props.
10. The Legends of the Hidden Temple Room
The moat, the Steps of Knowledge, The Room of the Three Gargoyles — that’s right, there are rooms within this room. I think my friends, all children of the 90s, will really be impressed when I text them, “Game Night. My Place. You are a Blue Barracuda.”
11. The Laundry Room
Seriously, I’d kill for my own a laundry room. #ApartmentProblems