Halloween can be a blast. I love the festivities — the dressing up, the eating candy, the getting both chocolate and alcohol wasted. Bobbing for apples is all in good fun (although it seems like a lot of trouble for a fruit). You get free candy going trick-or-treating, which is why I rode that out til’ senior year of college (the advantage of looking like you are ten years younger than you are). And the next morning, the annual Halloween Walk of Shame Parade is the best one in town. Seriously, sit out on your patio with a nice cup of joe and be amused as wig-less Raggedy Anne and the One-Eared Playboy Bunny trudge on by.
Here’s where Halloween loses me, however — the fright factor. Personally, I hate to feel scared and don’t understand the desire to want to feel that way. Maybe it’s similar to how some people can eat a plate of hot chiles and ask for seconds while others will want to tear their tongues out if they have one bite. There are so many other emotions — happy, excited, grateful — that are a-okay by me, but scared is not one that I want to feel. I find the world we live in is scary enough. There’s ISIS, Ebola, and that plane is still missing! Why do we need to go out of our way on Halloween to bring more fear upon us? I live my life trying to avoid that feeling yet when you are neurotic Jewess like me, sometimes fear pops up all over the place. Here are some examples of what make me freak-the-f-out, no horror movie or Jason masks required.
1. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
This movie is horrifying. That factory is like a house of horror. Little fatty Augustus drinks from that chocolate river and gets pulled through a pipe! Poor kid gets punished for having a big appetite. And that chick, Violet Beauregarde’s body blows up like a giant blueberry. Yeah, she’s a brat, but does she deserve to have her body completely disfigured? Talk about giving me irrational fears! Makes ya think twice about dabbling with the chocolate fountain at a dessert buffet or chomping on a piece of gum. And those freaky looking Oompa Loompas… I can’t even.
I know, there are many people out there who are “cat people” and will swear I’m wrong, but those eyes — they send shivers down my spine. Every time I look at a cat, I can tell with that intense stare that they are silently judging and plotting my demise.
3. Revolving doors
What’s wrong with regular doors? They seem to work just fine. Multiple people can enter at one time without fear of getting squished in between the frame and the door as it spins around at lightening speed.
4. Strange men at bars
If you are a man at a bar after midnight, I see you as a predator. Most likely, you are a Hollywood assistant from Long Island but you could also be a roofie-carrying, murdering sociopath. And how would I know? I can’t hear a word you are saying over the blaring music.
5. Ski lifts
I wish I could be a skier, effortlessly speeding down a hill on my way to the chalet in an adorable one-piece ski suits. But that ski lift looks like an escalator to my death. The fear of not getting off in time and falling off the mountain is all I need to keep me away from the slopes.
6. Sleeping with my windows open
A window open is really just an invitation to enter. Anyone who grew up watching Clarissa Explains It All should know that. Lucky for Clarissa, Ferguson wasn’t a strange man at a bar, but I can’t take those chances. Unfortunately, this fear really ups my monthly AC bill.
We all have it, right? I mean, what are the odds we don’t? HPV is the most common sexually transmitted disease and the CDC says that nearly all sexually active people will get it at some point in their lives. And then what? If it’s anything like Chlamydia… I’ve seen Mean Girls and according to Coach Carr, it’s not pretty. Makes you think twice about participating in the Annual Walk of Shame Parade, doesn’t it?