“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” While Charles Dickens was not referring to 2014 (that would be spooky) his quote is quite applicable to today’s dating landscape. Tinder, Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, JDate, OkCupid, Plenty of Fish…indeed. The world is your oyster, Fair Maiden. It takes little more than a selfie with a Lo-Fi filter to get a boy to hit on you online. A simple winky face emoji and you can have yourself a date. If you so desire, you could grab breakfast with Brian, lunch with Luke and dinner with David (unless you’re in LA in which case David will most likely only offer you a drink). We have a catalog of men available to us and who doesn’t love to online shop?
The problem is, we’re overloaded with options. That doesn’t sound like a problem until you flip the coin and realize those boys too, have so many options. For every swipe right you make, they make 5 times as many according to my unofficial study in which I’ve asked several boys “do you always swipe right unless the rare situation in which the girl looks like your Great Aunt Mildred?” The answer is always “Yes.”
But, we try not to think about this on date night. Tonight, is your night. Sometimes, it goes great. You laugh, share stories, split some apps maybe even have a goodnight kiss. All is well in the world, or so you thought. While you spend the rest of that week waiting to be asked on that second date from Mr. PNB (Potential New Boyfriend), he never really wanted to commit in the first place.
Fine. We’ll get over it. We too, can find many more boys (because let’s face it, men are much harder to come by) to date. But please, boys, now I’m talking to you — make it easy on us. If you don’t plan on seeing us again, just let it be known. You don’t have to say it — our sex is far superior and skilled at picking up on subtext.
So, if you aren’t going to ask us on a second date, DON’T:
1. Order another drink. Assuming you’re not an alcoholic (in which case, should you really be dating at all?) another drink implies that you are enjoying our company. This excites us, our phones come out, and we sneakily check the OpenTable app for the hottest available restaurants for next week.
2. Pay for our valet. I sympathize, I really do, but as the guy, if you asked me out, I expect you to pay for the date. But, you never asked me to valet my car — I could have parked on the street — and you shouldn’t have to pay for my inability to walk in five-inch heels. Taking out your wallet at the valet stands says to us that you are going above and beyond what is “required” because you actually like us.
3. Mention another date while on the first date. If you say you’ll call, we’ll expect you to call. If you say you want a second date, we’ll believe you. The old expression, “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all” stands true. Lying is not nice. Don’t think you’re doing us a favor, really.
4. Text us after the date to say you had a great time. Again, the whole thinking that you are being nice by lying to us doesn’t stand true. We understand what radio silence means. We’ve done it to you guys as well.
5. Respond to our text messages. We’re giving you a freebie. You don’t have to explicitly tell me you’re not interested. It will sting a bit, since I’ve spent several hours constructing the perfect text that says I like you/think you’re interesting/I’m in demand so hurry offer expires soon, but your lack of response is the only answer we need.
6. Be sporadic in your texting. If you do text us, and continue to lead us to believe date two is around the corner, ask us soon. We have enough girl friends that we can text about the craziness that is Game of Thrones or the amazing summer weather. We don’t need you to shoot the shit with. Your pointless conversation is a waste of both of our time.
7. Friend us on Facebook. We’re not friends. Unless you’re doing this because you eventually want to send me an “in a relationship” request, don’t friend me. I’ve had this happen recently, more than once, and I initially thought “that’s a sign, right? He wants to get to know me better.” Then, when I don’t hear from my new “friend” I spiral into a harsh self-review, questioning every single photo on my profile and post I’ve ever made. Did you see something you didn’t like? Were those photos from when I gained the freshman 15 a giant turn off? Did you think my pun about “guac and roll” was stupid and therefore, so am I? What did I do wrong?? Facebook should be a happy place — this is not what Mark Zuckerberg wanted.
My hope is that amongst the mirror selfies, over-exaggerated heights and in decipherable sunglass photos (truly a man’s best friend) some of the guys online really are looking for a relationship. It’s tough out there but remember, ladies — boys, I’m done talking to you — it’s not you, it’s the Internet.