35 Confusing Things This New Yorker Still Doesn’t Understand About The South

Flickr / Damianos Chronakis
Flickr / Damianos Chronakis

1. People here eat Dominos, Pizza Hut and Little Ceaser’s like its good pizza (ITS NOT).

2. On the subject of pizza, has anyone here ever heard of good Italian food?

3. Olive Garden ISN’T Italian food!

4. And why is there no Chinese restaurant that delivers?

5. Where is the 7/11?

6. What do you mean you don’t have seltzer?

7. Why are chopped salads not a thing in the south?

8. That bagel from the dining hall isn’t a bagel, it’s a disgrace!

9. What do you mean there was only one high school in your town?

10. How does everyone here not have diabetes from sweet tea?

11. Your prom wasn’t held in a catering hall with a three course meal?

12. Beauty Paget’s? I thought that was a myth.

13. No, it’s perfectly acceptable to spit tobacco into a Dr. Pepper bottle in the middle of class.

14. Why does Poland Spring not exist down here?

15. Why is does everything you own have to be monogramed?

16. Does the south own stock in pocket tees?

17. Oh that’s a fraternity house? I thought it was Bill Gate’s vacation home.

18. No, it’s perfectly normal to go from 30 degrees to 80 degrees in one day.

19. You don’t have camp friends? You NEVER went to camp?

20. What do you mean you’ve never been to a bar mitzvah?

21. You’ve never been to a sweet sixteen nicer than some weddings?

22. Why is there no neighborhood diner?! (waffle house DOES NOT count)

23. High school sports? I think our tennis team went to finals once.

24. I think I went to one football game in high school….

25. Your grandparents don’t live in Boca?

26. Why are people so dressed up for game day? Are jeans and a jersey not acceptable?

27. Tailgating in the south doesn’t even involve a tailgate or a parking lot.

28. WHY AREN’T THERE ANY DELIS?!?!?!

29. Why does everyone walk so slowly?

30. You don’t curse at least 10 times in an hour?

31. People don’t understand why you get so happy that bars have $5 drinks and $2 beers.

32. You’ve never been to Trader Joes or whole foods? I am so sorry

33. What’s the deal with ABC? You guys don’t have a neighborhood liquor store with the foreign guy who doesn’t ID?

34. CVS and Target sell wine?!?!

35. Lastly, I don’t understand why more people don’t go to school down here. TC mark

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