It happens all at once. Time comes to an absolute standstill. You hear sounds, you register expressions. You ball up your fists, not knowing if you should be screaming or sinking into despair, fearing the thought of being plagued by the omnipresence of what once was. All that’s left to comfort you is a thick blanket of gloom.
You take a breath, which startlingly feels like your first in a long time, and realize you’ve been holding your breath all the while. Denial engulfs you, and of all the times you’ve prayed for a miracle, you hope this is the one that’s granted. You silently scream at the wind to make it all go away, for it to be one big mistake.
Everything that was once so deeply ingrained, suddenly becomes alien. Breathing, something that was second nature to you, becomes a conscious decision. Sleep eludes you; closing your eyes strangely closes up your throat. You wander aimlessly in a desperate attempt to thwart all incoming thoughts.
Your perception of time is distorted. You spend every bit of it in a daze, trying to remember the shape of your fingers, as they intertwine, each time increasing in intensity. Blurred vision becomes the norm, the tears glazing your face like rain on a dusty pane. You struggle to keep your voice from cracking.
You look for something, anything, familiar: scents, memories, sounds; to latch on to amidst the quicksand. But all that greets you every single time is a sharp pang of fear, panic, unfamiliarity. You constantly need to remind yourself how to move, how to communicate, how to live.
The numbness is addictive, almost comfortable. You crave for it all to end.
You realize, now, what a dagger to your heart feels like. Because that’s what it is. A sharp edge, making its way further and further into your heart, making every breath, every tiny movement too painful to bear.
You long for it to take your life, drown you in a pool of unconsciousness, for the pain to end. But it holds its own, becoming a permanent part of you, a wound that refuses to heal. Every moment is a struggle, like trying to make your way through absolute darkness, only this time, you find yourself tripping, falling face first every single time.
The caged feeling suffocates you, tortures you, mocks you for thinking life was a fairytale. For believing you were the exception, the one that could cheat their way through life. It is a constant reminder of your naivety, for pinning your hopes on something that will never be, for refusing to resolve the incompleteness that consumes you.
It eats at every bit of life you have in you, until one day, it backs you up against a wall and confronts you with the cold hard truth. And much like a soldier in a battlefield pushing through despite taking hit after hit, until one day there’s no more left of him to go on – one day, the dagger pierces through your entirety, leaving the wound exposed, for the rest of time.