People You Probably Have in Your Phone Contacts, Part 1

The Friend Who’s Not Really a Friend But a Social Experiment

Usually odd, maybe suffering from ADD/ADHD/Asperger’s Syndrome, the awkward, older guy who took Calculus II with you in high school, the one who used to burp a lot at inappropriate times, the one who maybe rooms with you in college, along with two of your real friends, two guys you met in college, two guys whose friendship never seemed forced because they didn’t have to chug from vodka bottles to feel comfortable enough to even sit in the same room as a group of people they didn’t know well and hold a conversation, two guys who didn’t lurk in corners like potted flowers because they were too incomprehensible when they spoke to people because their voices were like old boat engines slowly groaning to life, sputtering at first then speeding past any sort of metronomed pace, ending in a blur of syllables that were never quite words, or sentences, or paragraphs. Friends who you couldn’t hear masturbating through the walls like the The Friend Who’s Not Really a Friend But a Social Experiment.

This guy makes everyone uncomfortable because he comes into rooms and sits on his knees in some backwards reversion to preschool, bouncing up and down on the floor in ‘circle time’ or whatever the fuck it’s called, waiting for his saltine crackers/carrots and juice-box snack for the day. This guy in college, still doing this when you have girlfriends over to watch movies (read: ‘make sweet, sweet love to’), bouncing up and down with a dumb look on his face, unable to think of anything he can talk to you or her about—just deciding to stay silent and grin to make you feel like he’s having a good time—thinking, ‘Maybe if they think I’m happy they’ll think I’m cool and maybe that will make them want to be friends with me.’

The guy who does dishes every time he gets drunk because he thinks that if he’s super clean it will convince you and your other roommates to keep him around. The guy who washes every dirty pot, pan, plate, and piece of silverware of every messy dinner you and your roommates can think to make, leaving everything unwashed on purpose every time, continuously increasing the mess made with each meal, to see just how far you have to go before his disgust of what’s in front of him outweighs his need for even simple acceptation. The guy who used to be fat in high school, the guy who was so trusting of the people he thought were his friends (that’s you), that he listened to them when they told him he was fat and out of shape and unhealthy. The guy who listened to you when you told him he should run cross-country. The one who you and your friends would laugh about when he wasn’t there because you all had this stupid, evil high school prank, this ridiculous ‘long-con’ you had planned to make the Guy lose a lot of weight and gain a lot of confidence/girls/whatever, to then—just when his life started getting good—begin to make fun of him in horrendous ways, thus destroying him and plunging him back into binge eating and the world of the overweight/ acne-ridden/ lunch-table-rejects, building him up before destroying him, like letting an infant see the backyard for the first time—this single event being a total doubling of their concept of how much space and opportunity the world held—before slamming the door in their face, closing forever the option of exploration but instilling within them the dragging feeling of wanderlust, constantly pulling them towards the door—towards confidence/girls/whatever—still unable to reach the knob and reopen the door.

The guy who you occasionally think about when you’re up late, drunk, wondering why you’re such an asshole sometimes, wondering why people are so quick to turn on each other, wondering why your drink is almost empty, these questions plunging you deeper into a bottle in a desperate, downward spiral towards sunrise and the dollar pancakes at IHOP. TC mark

image – Dan Zen


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  • Mr Shankly

    Nice use of subheadings bro

    • Mr Shankly

      Also, is this article just you mocking the ones who oh so desperately wanted to be friends with you, yet you didn’t consider them worthy of your friendship for whatever pathetic reason? How quaint. Not only has this article pretty perfectly demonstrated your ineptitude at writing coherently structured articles, it’s also unashamedly helped all the readers determine that you are, indeed, a huge cunt.

      • Drew Knapp


      • Guest

        I think it helps at least a little that he feels bad at the end… but it’s sad that you’d have to be drunk to realize how fucked up your mindset is.

        Also yeah man, sorry to say, you need to add spaces; the enter key is your friend here.

      • Miriam Mogilevsky

        Yeahhh except I don’t think he actually feels bad. People who genuinely feel bad about doing shit like this STOP DOING IT.

      • Miriam Mogilevsky

        Yeahhh except I don’t think he actually feels bad. People who genuinely feel bad about doing shit like this STOP DOING IT.

  • Jordan

    Holy shit that was a clusterfuck.  My eyes started crossing but was that first paragraph really two sentences?

    And yeah it left me wondering about why this person (ie, you, through the veneer of this cursed second person nonsense) is such an asshole too.

  • rina

    i’m afraid of part 2

  • victoria elliott

    this article could also be titled “people you probably don’t have in your phone contacts, part 1” and i would likely relate to it better then

  • Michael Koh


  • Ian

    Do you put on wayfarers and clutch your hair whilst staring at the ground in all your pictures?

    • Drew Knapp

      only whilst feeling angsty and unaccepted

  • danielle garza

    Ugh- that creepy stock photo (again)!

  • Henk Hill

    this was gay

    • Ian

      Yeah, why else would you be up at night drinking alone thinking about another bro, and on multiple occasions to boot. It all makes sense now!

  • Sucks

    It took probably seven seconds for me to realize this was unreadable. Good lord. Go back to the drawing board, buddy.

  • Kelsea

    Okay, dude, this is just mean.

  • Boom

    Did you really just make the choice to use “acceptation” instead of “acceptance” in that mega-sentence?

  • lindsey-lu

    if this is true, you are a mean terrible person.  not funny. not relateable. disgusting.

    • Drew Knapp

      That’s kind of the point.

      • lindsey-lu

        so you intended to write something offensive and that no descent person can relate to?  what’s the point of that? honestly wondering….

      • Drew Knapp

        no. i intended to portray a shitty person coming to terms with the fact that they are, in fact, shitty. there is more to this (see: ‘part 1’ label). at this point in time, with this amount of information, anger is the appropriate response. 

  • Guest

    omg. everyone stfu. you know you’ve done shitty things to other people. at least he’s honest. 

  • Miriam Mogilevsky

    Drew, if we ever meet for whatever reason, please remind me not to be friends or interact with you in any way. Thanks.

  • Sfish_ny

    What a dick. Also, what’s “acception”? Is that the dick version of “acceptance”?

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