1. “Do you play any instruments?”
While for any normal human being this would be an easy question, it NEVER is for me. When I get asked this question I feel a lot of pressure. Girls, it seems want to hear “piano” or “violin.” They want to know that, if the moment should call for it, you could serenade them with an acoustic guitar. What they probably don’t want to hear is the truth: about my eight years as lead clarinet in the marching band. Or my brilliant skills on the obo and alto sax. I think my dad is the only person who’s impressed by the fact that I can play a mean theremin! I did, however, meet a girl in Hong Kong who found all of this QUITE impressive.
2. “What are your hobbies?”
Fuckers. I mean, how do I make “book binding” sound sexy? Is reading a hobby? I’ve taken a few cooking classes? And what do you mean Netflix is not a hobby?! I find this question daunting because I’m not exactly great at any of my hobbies. I love to sing and dance…horribly. My paintings are seriously rivaled by those of my 2-year-old nephew. I like collecting books with inscriptions in them already (my mother finds this incredibly creepy). I’m sorry that I don’t run marathons, climb mountains, or sky dive regularly, buuuut I can build you a mean bookshelf! Or let you peruse my extensive comic book collections as we discuss the religious implications in the Superman saga.
3. “What is a perfect Saturday in your world?”
I always have to twist the truth a bit on this question. My ideal Saturday would include drinking a cup of coffee on my couch and browsing Perez Hilton, Buzzfeed, and Thought Catalog. In this ideal Saturday, I’m also alone. I drink my coffee black and I love celebrity gossip. These are things that I cannot enjoy with someone beside me, passing judgment! Finally, after I’ve lost several hours and am overwhelmed with shame, I’ll go to the book store for some new reading material. This is where we start getting to the awkward truth: if it’s a good book, I’ll read it to completion which really means speed reading through the boring bits, becoming too emotionally invested in the characters, and starting to drink wine at a reasonable hour because my protagonist has fallen in love and now faces some sort of peril that is beyond comprehension and I soon feel that my WHOLE world is falling apart! Then 2 bottles of wine later, the book is over and I fall asleep at 8pm. The End.
4. “Wow, how many tattoos do you have? What do they mean?”
Well, if you had done your due diligence and Facebook or Instagram stalked me you’d know the answer to that question, now wouldn’t you? I always hate this question because I don’t have any funky symbols on me that would be appropriate to ask about. I have a bunch of words on me. Like, “Till you say stop and forever after that.” What does it mean? Clearly it’s an ode to my love for S&M. They’re really part of a pair; my Nana has the same one. “Stay Gold”? Oh, that’s actually me paying homage to Trinidad James. I feel like “All Gold Everything” really helped me put my life into perspective.
5. “What did you want to be when you were growing up?”
Oh dear Lord, how am I going to tell this beautiful girl that I wanted to be a pirate until I was about 12. That’s an embarrassing truth, but not as embarrassing as the fact that I wanted to be a missionary after wanting to be a pirate and then a Nun for a few years after that. Then I finally came to the conclusion that I wanted to be a career student. I feel awkward talking about this because I have so very clearly pursued none of these. However I have done almost everything I’ve wanted to, and all in my own way. I’ve sailed through Southeast Asia on a boat, I have volunteered at soup kitchens with people from my church, I have never stopped trying to learn, and I always offer to pray for those damn blasphemers and evolutionist (I’m kidding). That whole conversation usually segues into me being a gay Catholic Republican…Yikes with spikes!
6. “What is your favorite movie?”
While I would like to impress every date with why Citizen Kane is and will forever hold the title as the best movie ever, I feel that it comes off as pretentious. God forbid I start getting into the delirium and symbolism of the film and I’ve lost them already, about two minutes in. And truthfully, while I love Citizen Kane, I would not watch it every month. I do, however, watch half the Harry Potter series on a monthly basis. I also throw in Mean Girls as well to balance the darkness that one will encounter as we traverse both Deathly Hallows movies. I have memes for DAYS with HP references and a few that include Regina George and Albus Dumbledore. If you can’t quote Mean Girls you can’t sit with us!
7. “So, why are you single?”
Is this a gay thing? I feel as if I’m asked this on every date and these evil she-devils must derive a certain amount of pleasure in seeing the anxiety set in after this question is posed. How can I eloquently express that my ex was a complete cunt? Is that a thing? I think that’s a thing. Honestly, though: I don’t understand why girls feel compelled to ask this, or why they’re even thinking about it. Relationships don’t work, and as adults we have to process that and move forward. It isn’t the right one until it’s the last one and I just haven’t found that yet. I was in good relationships with decent people and it ran its course, and even if it wasn’t an amicable breakup, that definitely is not something to discuss on a first date. Also, her wig was made of her mother’s chest hair. Too much?