I haven’t done it often, yet I have done it. I admit it. I have no shame or embarrassment.
I thought it was unusual for men, so I was intrigued when a recent study revealed that one in four men have faked an orgasm. It didn’t offer explanations, but it got me thinking.
Women have been faking orgasms since Eve used the fig leaf to cover it up. Not good or bad, just more studied and analyzed. Now it’s our turn, men!
I may be a psychologist, sex therapist and self-proclaimed Passion Doctor, but this is about my feelings and experiences, and is not a psychological treatise. I’ve worked with couples for almost twenty-five years, specializing in helping them bring back the passion, romance, intimacy and sexuality in their relationship, but Thought Catalog is about people sharing their stories, so here is one of mine.
It’s much easier to fake a male orgasm when you wear a condom. The first time I did was when I was young, in my early twenties, and was having sex with a really exciting woman. My control was typical of young men and I ejaculated in the first two minutes. It was pure ejaculation and pretty much no orgasm or pleasure attached. She didn’t even know it happened and the condom kept the evidence secure.
Fortunately, the good part of being a man in his twenties is that I just kept going. My erection stayed firm and I continued until she had an orgasm and then committed my first act of sexual fraud . . . I faked it.
No harm, no foul. She seemed happy and I saved myself the embarrassment of having my premature ejaculation discovered. It was a win/win situation. It was only later in my life that I discovered the value of communication in having an incredible sex life. (Though please take note: reusing condoms is problematic from both a pregnancy and STD perspective—don’t do it!).
In my late twenties to thirties, I really hit my sexual stride, discovered Tantra and learned to have good ejaculatory control. I was never that interested in learning about multiple male orgasms, as it just seemed like way too much work – and, honestly, if I could do that, I would probably never get anything else done in my life. God gave the gift to women because they could handle it.
My libido was voracious and I attributed it to good genes and a somewhat compulsive nature. My mother was having sex until about a year before she died in her eighties, so I come from good stock. However, I discovered that I didn’t always want to have an orgasm every time I engaged in sexual activity.
I loved to have sex, give my partner an orgasm or three, take a nap and then start again. Not ejaculating every time made this easier. I enjoyed spreading it out. Sometimes I had a partner who wouldn’t rest until I came just one more time. I was early in my psychotherapy training and didn’t particularly want to have a discussion about their need for external validation, so sometimes I would occasionally fake an orgasm. It didn’t happen a lot, because this “red flag” usually meant that the relationship wouldn’t be lasting much longer.
In my forties, my male body began to slow down, and after the second orgasm of the night, I usually found it challenging to have another orgasm. That was fine with me, but again, I would sometimes be with a partner who absolutely wanted/needed/demanded another orgasm from me or she would take it as a total failure on her part.
In the meantime, I was getting sore, chafed, and sometimes bored, so I faked it again. This dynamic is one that I have quite often heard in my psychotherapy practice from women who faked orgasms. I could definitely be an empathic therapist on this one!
Now that I’m in my early fifties, I’m done with that. I am truly willing and able to communicate where I am emotionally, physically and sexually with my partner. I am willing to be responsible for the quality and frequency of my orgasms and allow my partner the same right. I have to admit I am still a bit compulsive about giving orgasms, though.
I have no need or desire to fake it and pay even the smallest of emotional intimacy prices for the white lie. My sex life is better than ever—so take that…
To be honest, I’m feeling more truth to what, as a younger man, I had always considered as bullshit and cliche, the one where a woman will say, “It’s just enough to be close, I don’t have to orgasm every time!”
Over time, as my testosterone drops naturally and my priorities change, I can relate more and more to this and the importance of physical and sexual contact without the orgasmic focus.
That’s my story, I’d love to hear yours as well. What’s your take on men faking orgasms—as the faker or the fakee?