I know you won’t be holding me as I fall asleep tonight, and that’s okay. I know my name won’t be the last one on your mind tonight or the first one you whisper in the morning, and that’s okay. I know that when we watch our favorite TV shows together while eating ice cream on your couch, it will not lead to anything more, and that’s okay.
The worst part about unrequited love is the uncertainty that comes hand-in-hand. Does he love me? Does he love me not? Am I the one he wants to be with, but he’s too shy to make the first move?
This uncertainty is the difference between loving a single man and a taken man (assuming you didn’t fall for a taken AND unfaithful man, in which case all bets are off). When I first met you, I didn’t know about your girlfriend. I was full of hope and excitement as I talked you up to my friends. The next time we met, you casually brought her up, but even in the subtleness of your eyes, I could tell that you loved her.
From that moment on, I knew. I was not unsure about our relationship. I knew we had become close friends who would soon have many great memories together, I knew that even when you complained about her, you still loved her, and most importantly, I knew that I would never come between what you and she had. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a fun, easy, pleasant, or desirable feeling to have when you finally realize that the one you want doesn’t want you, but knowing that I met you when I wasn’t an option makes that easier.
Most other boys I meet are single. The kind of boys that will wreck my life if I let them.
I truly believe that these boys are as uncertain about how they feel toward me as I think they are. What single men love one day can be easily replaced the next, making me wonder where I went wrong. Was it something I said? Was there someone better than me? To these men, I am always just an option. There is always a chance they will treat me right, but there is no favorable probability to how the situation will end.
But loving you is different. I love you because you don’t love me.
You don’t ignore my calls or make me feel like shit after I do or say something potentially embarrassing. You don’t lead me on because you already have what you want in your life. You care for me. You don’t lie to me because you know you have nothing to hide from me. You trust me with the secrets that not even she knows. You sometimes hold me late at night when I’ve had a bad day and you know that all I need is someone’s embrace. We both know that us being alone is dangerous, but we both know that we can’t lose each other. And I know that I am not an option. You love her, and I am sure of that. But I am not an option.
And that’s why loving you is easy — because I never doubt the fact that you don’t love me back.