7 Unfortunate Ways Instagram Is Ruining My Life (And Everyone Else’s)

Instagram is cool. You can take a picture on your phone and share it with the whole world in a few seconds. It also sucks. Here are the drawbacks.

1. Poop stares.

I’m sitting on the toilet and decide to check social media. I get on Facebook and read some status updates. I get on Twitter and read some tweets. Then I open Instagram and my feed is flooded with selfies. Due to the fact that selfies involve looking at the camera, I feel as though someone is watching me take a shit. What’s even worse than that is if it’s an entire family in the picture. Now I have a 4 year-old boy, a 12 year-old girl and a mother and father all watching me defecate.

2. The Instagram hipsters.

Ah, yes. You know who I’m talking about. The people who take perfectly centered pictures on their high-resolution DSLR cameras and post them on an app that was meant for phone photography. It has become a popular trend to post these artsy-type pictures with no caption. Posting pictures with no caption is another way of saying “I’m an asshole, but I’m mysterious about it.”

3. Sunsets.

The sky can be a beautiful place. It is also the most photographed thing on the internet besides your 14-year-old niece’s face after discovering selfies.

4. New parents.

If you are friends with or follow anyone who recently had a baby, you have experienced the pains of baby-faced photo rampages. I don’t know why, but it seems when you become a parent your first instinct is to post constant pictures of your offspring. One picture is all I ask. Just post the picture, let the viewers see its face once and then we’re good. No more after that. All babies look the same anyway.

5. Our youth is decaying.

My friend sent me a screenshot of someone’s Instagram post recently. It was a picture a girl had taken in a mirror. Here’s the thing: she’s 10. Are you kidding me? At 10 years old you have not earned the right to post anything at all, let alone have a phone from which you can post. This person was born in 2004. She wasn’t even alive for 9/11. If you weren’t alive for 9/11, you can’t have a phone. That should be the rule from now on. That girl probably doesn’t even know what 9/11 is. You could ask her about the twin towers and she’d just say “I’ve never heard of them. But they sound cute. Are they identical? Like identical twins? Or is like, one a boy and one a girl and they look different? Oh, I’m sorry can we finish this conversation later? I just got a text.”

6. Flickr.

Instagram has overshadowed true photography sites like Flickr. Kids, if you don’t know what Flickr is, it’s where pictures used to be posted before Instagram ruined how we take pictures.

7. Couples.

Instagram, more than anything, is a proving ground for people who think they’re in love. Challenge: find a picture of a couple that is really happy and then comment “you’ll both die eventually.” They’ll love it.

Alright, I need to go check Instagram. Peace.

(ig: keelingdoug Twitter: @Doug_Keeling)