A Letter To The First Boy Who Broke My Heart

man and woman kissing under the sun
Alejandra Quiroz / Unsplash

I’m writing this letter not in the hopes of getting you back but of letting you go. Then again, I’m never sending this to you, so it doesn’t matter.

I really did love you. It started out toxic and it ended up still toxic, and it wasn’t anyone’s fault. I saw the red flags as soon as we started dating, but I ignored it because I was just so captivated by that first ‘spark’ we had. It was like I knew you for a long time and my soul felt that, too.

I tried to push you away with my dark past, but it just pushed us closer together, because yours wasn’t perfect either. We just weren’t a perfect match. In fact, we were complete opposites in every way, but I love how our personalities meshed together, like two pieces of a puzzle.

But I loved you so much that I got a little bit too lost to realize that I was losing myself, too. I gave up everything I believed in for the relationship to work, and that was my biggest mistake. It was toxic because the version of me in that relationship wasn’t really me. I wanted to make you better, but it was making me my worst. But this isn’t anyone’s fault. Our love was real no matter how bad the timing, the situation and even the ending of it was.

When you broke up with me, I saw it coming. I was so devastated; it’s the kind of heartbreak that I’ll remember for the rest of my life. I tried to give you reasons to stay, but you’ve already made up your mind. It was over and there was no going back.

I was so angry at you. I’m not the type of person to hold a grudge against someone, so you really did hurt me THAT much. I just thought, How could you just have decided to stop loving me after everything? How could someone sleep at night knowing that they hurt someone? How could you just have decided that I wasn’t enough after the future we had promised? I guess it was my fault, for loving you a little too much.

But despite everything, I want you to know that it’s okay. I’m tired of being angry at you for how we ended. I honestly just want you to be happy, and that’s real. I genuinely hope you find someone who makes you so happy and that you imagine a future with her, just like you did with me. I hope she gets to love the darkest parts of you, something I failed to do. I hope she motivates you to change and be better and look at life from a brighter and more enthusiastic perspective.

I hope you get to treat her both like your best friend and your lover. I hope you could have the relationship you’ve always intended to have. I hope that your mom honestly loves her and she constantly makes you the best version of yourself. And I hope you love her so much that you’ll do everything just so you can marry this girl.

I hope she knows how sappy and romantic you can be in your letters and gifts to her, because despite how it ended, I knew you once meant everything you ever wrote in every letter to me. And even after everything, I believe that you do deserve to be happy. You deserve to achieve all your goals and dreams in life. You deserve a bright future ahead of you, no matter how terrible your past may have been. You deserve to be loved, no matter what you think about yourself. And I’ll be happy for you, no matter where life takes you, no matter where we both end up in five years from now.

I’m always gonna love you, but I don’t nor will I ever want you back, because you deserve someone that loves you in your darkness, and that won’t be me anymore. We’re both in better places in our lives right now and for that, I can finally say that the breakup was the best thing for the both of us. It took losing ourselves and each other to realize who we are and who we don’t want to be.

I may have lost you, but I found my identity and confidence in God, and to me, that is everything. I hope you’re in a place of happiness right now, just as I am, because you really deserve good things. TC mark

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