When I was young, I often wondered how my life would end up. Will I marry? Will I have kids? Will I have a loving family? Will my husband prove me a “happily ever after”? As I aged, of course, my beliefs changed. Those long term goals became a thirst for thrill. Boy after boy, heartbreak after heartbreak, I dived into these relationships without asking myself why I needed to be in one. I just wanted to keep replacing the past with someone better.
Yeah, that’s how superficial I was. “Better” for me means better-looking, better-thinking, better-acting and better at loving. I didn’t know if I wanted to out-happy my exes, or just judgmental. But I wasn’t trying to out-happy my exes, and I wasn’t judging anybody. I just want to prove to myself that I’m better than my past that’s why I deserved someone better than the past itself.
I realized something I know most people would know sooner or later than me. I talked to a friend about her recent break-up, and about how fast she shifts from one boy to another, hoping for someone better. It felt weird, because I was doing the same thing and yet, I felt pity for the guys who didn’t make the cut just because some other guy succeeded in attaining the checklist. I suddenly wanted to apologize to every guy who felt belittled by me just because I didn’t find him smart enough, funny enough, good-looking enough or even just enough.
After my previous break-up, I stayed single because I really think, up to now, that it’s going to be hard trying to find someone better than my last partner. And when I thought I liked someone, he was obviously not “smart enough” for me. I caught myself thinking twice whether I can “overlook” something very important for me than any of the qualities I preferred. And, of course, the answer is no. So, the search continues.
Then, it hit me. “Was I enough to begin with? Was I perfect? Or am I really just being naïve?”
No. No. And yes.
It’s because someone will always be better than everyone else at something. Someone will exceed somebody’s expectations. Someone will not amount to something so specific, because he will fail, and he will make mistakes. And I need to show that person it’s okay because I make mistakes, too. And we can learn something from it. The trick is to accept someone for who they are: imperfect. Loving someone will always make them seem unbelievably perfect. If not, then it isn’t love. And if it isn’t love, then what is it?