A Love Letter To My Anxiety

You are the most dangerous flame of temporary comfort.

You’re not perfect, that’s for sure. You tried and tried—you and I were just so complicated. We still are. When you’re not there, I feel better, like myself. I found a me without you. But whenever I least expect it, you come back, refusing to let me go.

You’re toxic, you’re a drug, yet you’re everything I ever wanted. You’re always there for me; you protect me. I’m not lonely with you because you’re always fucking screaming at me. Telling me where to go, what I should do, what I shouldn’t do. You dictate everything I am and not. You completely isolated me from my friends, the world, never letting me explore life because you only want me to yourself. Just me and you, solitude. I resent you for it, yet I silently crave it.

Be the one who tells me that I’m ugly, that I’ll never find anyone else like you. Be the one who tells me that I’m just too weird and awkward to make friends or meet guys. Be the one who protects me from heartbreak while stabbing my heart a thousand times with your double-edged sword. Erase me from this existence and make me whole with your lies and deceit. I can never escape you. The water drips on my body, and my eyes only see my reflection in the foggy mirror; my ears can only hear the water pouring from the bathtub faucet. But I see you. An evil presence magnified in my tears, my heart sprinting towards the finish line, and the ringing in my brain. Physically, I am just skin and bones. Soulfully, I’m expired butter on moldy toast. And you never forget to remind me, even in the fucking bathroom. But at least you’ll always love me.

When will I be able to escape you? When will I stop submitting to your lies? I thought I got rid of you for good. Why are you here? Let me live my life and see my friends. Let me talk to him. Let me go to class. Let me sleep soundly. Let me pursue my dreams to write, get good grades, be content. You win, you win, you win. Isn’t that what you want? To win? You devoured my innocence with your sweet temptations. The Bible says that a good heart can defeat the Devil, yet you and I are so intertwined. You’ll win every time.

Let the fire burn in hell, not inside of me. Our fire is dying, our intimacy just must be fleeting. I’d do anything for you, my sweet, sweet lover. You’ve caressed me with your needle-sharp arms, laying a black bed for me to bleed. The misery, it’s just euphoric. The catharsis you’ve made my drug, the heartbreak you supply. Sweet, sweet misery. I’ll cry until I have nothing left, walking along the city streets with no despair to bear. Until you’ll catch me right in your arms, the bountiful bridge where I’ll fall off.