Thought Catalog

8 Ways Female Party Animals Behave Like Actual Animals

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When I started this post, I was going to write about all the crazy things girls do when they’re drunk. But once I began to write, I quickly noticed a trend of animal behavior; they eat more than T-Rexs, prune like peacocks, and the list goes on. The more I wrote the more I realized that the basis for the term “party animal” is rooted in concrete reality. In fact, the information in this article has been extensively researched (Yahoo!/WikiAnswers) so please do not challenge the integrity of my animal facts. Sarcastic translation: just go with it. And with that, I present to you the eight ways female party animals behave like actual animals.

1. They butt heads like rams.

MAYBE WE’RE A LITTLE BUZZED, BUT WE AREN’T DRUNK!

Except we totally are. For whatever reason, a girl’s first reaction to being the least bit drunk is to deny deny deny. I can tell by your glassy stare and the fact that you’ve complimented my eye brows five times that you’re three sheets to the wind — however, you will deny repeating yourself, ask if you can transplant my eyebrows to your face, and tell me once again that you are not drunk.

While the drunk/not drunk argument is the first thing that sloshed girls will butt heads with you about but, it is certainly not the last. Conversations between a drunk girl (DG) and sober person (SP) go a little something like this:

DG: What’s the name of that librarian from high school who wore weird clothes?

SP: Mrs. Stevens.

DG: No! Not her! The one with the puffy shirts and the mustache!

SP: It’s Mrs. Stevens. Remember, we all called her “Captain Stevens.”

DG: No, no the other pirate-ey one!

SP: I’m 100 percent positive it’s her; I had her for home room all four years.

DG: “YOU ARE F-CKING WRONG AND WE CAN ONLY SETTLE THIS DEBATE THROUGH A LOUD BAR ALTERCATION OR CAGE MATCH.

See how quickly that escalated? For your own sake, agree to disagree and move on.

2. They dance like penguins.

When trying to find a mate, penguins do a “courtship dance” to impress their potential love interest. Girls are no different. Except instead of looking for a life partner, we’re just looking for someone (ANYONE!) to grind up on us and show the least bit of attention. And so, we dance. Ludacris says he wants “a lady in the street but a freak in the bed” but most girls are ladies in the street and strippers on the sweaty crowded dance floor. Even girls who aren’t slutty in real life know that all guys enjoy sex (major revelation), so we decide to transform from Gina the lovable sister/aunt/law student to Krystal the naughty nurse who knows her way around a pole. We know that our future husbands will laugh at this ridiculous behavior and appreciate our brains more than any dry humping dance move but for now we’re lonely and desperate for attention, so we booty drop and bring it up slow.

3. They spread love like huskies.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, meet Mishka (above).

Take a few minutes to decompress because if you love that dog as much as I do, you’re a little worked up right now. Ok so, Mishka howls “I love youuuu” with no abandon and God damn it so do we. Before drunk chicks get sad, mean, or sleepy they love to tell everyone how much they well, love them. The bartender opened our beer? Love him. That girl in the bathroom was in our freshman seminar? Love her. The person who’s engagement photos we stalked on Facebook but have never met in person before? Love you. (And your ring by the way.) In all these scenarios we love you and we’re not afraid to say it. We’ll shout/howl it from the rooftops, even if it means admitting to Facebook stalkery. But trust me, this won’t last long; it’s simply the calm before the storm.

4. They strut like peacocks.

When peacocks want attention they spread their feathers and work it. When drunk girls want attention they spread their… wallets and buy a skanky dress from H&M. Dancing on the bar, screaming song lyrics, befriending the DJ; it’s all deadly. When a girl wants attention, believe me — she’ll get it. Even if that means knocking you down on the dance floor. You’ve been warned.

5. They bite heads off like praying mantises.

The female praying mantis is known to bite her partner’s head off after mating. Luckily girls do not do this in the literal sense, but they will figuratively bite your head off like it’s their job. Want to test this theory? Go ahead and see what happens when you try taking a wasted friend home and her vodka-soda-splash-of-cranberry-clouded mind insists that she is having an awesome time and HAS to stay. She doesn’t seem to notice that the heel on one shoe broke off and… yep, her other foot’s bleeding. It’s not a good situation. And when I say it’s not a good situation, I’m not just talking about blood loss, I’m saying that we get MEAN. Not “leave me alone” mean, but “your ex-boyfriend told me you had cankles” mean. We will go there.

Although most guys think that women are pretty outwardly judgmental as it is, I can promise that there’s plenty more where that came from. There are about 12,000 other judgmental wheels turning in a female’s brain at all times. We’re not horrible people, it’s just how we’re wired. What makes us nice people/functioning members of society is our ability to limit these thoughts and see people for the traits that really matter. For the most part, I try to keep unfair judgements to a minimum, although none of my judgements are unfair (don’t ironically wear skinny suspenders and expect me to be open-minded about it). OK — so maybe when my sister and I people-watch at the airport we’re a little judgey. OK — we might as well be Don Rickles. (I think we once said that someone looked like a computer programmer who got hit with a pan.) And boyfriends: just get the f-ck out of the way when you see this tornado of judgement headed in your direction. We will bring up everything that you have ever done wrong in the history of your existence on this earth and by then you’ll be wishing we had literally bitten your head off.

6. They cry like elephants.

First of all, google imaging “elephants crying” is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life. I have a really strong affinity for all things elephant because they are majestic, oversized, and sassy; what’s not to love? Somewhere along the way I learned that elephants are one of the few animals that produce tears of sadness. The elephant cries after a member of the herd dies or they are reunited with a loved one. The drunk girl cries because the pizza delivery guy said she had to pay cash. On New Year’s Eve I cried because I wanted my Mom and she was two rooms away. And don’t even mention the fact that we’re single, because that is like opening pandora’s box of issues/tissues. It’s no secret that women are emotional creatures who feel a lot of feelings, so don’t act surprised when a little vino opens the flood gates. (I recommend a nice bottle of Pinot Grigio and this.

7. They eat like dinosaurs.

Hell hath no fury like a hungry drunk girl. A drunk girl who wants (NEEDS) food is more dangerous then an angry dinosaur who wants her stolen egg back. (We’ve all seen The Flinstones Movie. You haven’t? You don’t get my obscure references? Too bad.) I eat a lot sober so it’s no surprise that after a night of drinking I inhale whatever’s in front of me. But luckily, drunk eating is not the worst for girls like me; it’s the worst for girls who survive primarily on lettuce. When these girls get drunk, let me tell you, they LET LOOSE. I’ve seen a 5’2”, 110 lb. girl eat 3 pieces of pizza, two quesadillas, and and a half pan of brownies in under eight minutes. That’s more caloric action than that girl’s gotten in the last three months. Drinking lowers our eating inhibitions by erasing all the caloric information we’ve spent years obtaining. And not only is our caloric guard down, but drinking is like taking some magic pill that makes even the shittiest pizza (only ordered because the place is open ‘til 4 a.m.) taste like it was cooked by Mario Batalli. Try ordering whatever delicious thing you ate last night the following day. I’ve done it and  trust me, you will not be happy. Jimmy John’s is not meant to be eaten in the light of day.

8. They hibernate like bears.

I have never passed out from drinking. I have, however, fallen asleep quite often. And once we’re “asleep” there is no turning back. Once both eyes shut, we are officially dead weight that can only be moved by the strength of two large lumberjacks. Go ahead, try waking us up; it’s not gonna happen. We’ve stored up on chicken tenders and mozz sticks for the long winter’s nap; do not wake us until morning. TC mark

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    • Charli

      You speak the truth.

    • Katy

      This is a great article! It explains a lot hahaha.

    • Travis Grandt

      I feel as though the companion article to this is “8 Things Guys do to Help Drunk Girls (and Why They Hate Us for it:

    • Logan

      You make girls seem like idiots. Most aren’t dumbass sorority bitches; they are subhuman anyways.

      • Guest

        What a rude judgment on your part. You’re saying that the author is making an unfair sweeping judgment that girls are idiots, and yet you think it’s fair for you to say that all sorority girls are dumbass bitches?

    • Amelia

      This in incredibly problematic due to the longstanding history of centers of power portraying women as animals, and oppressing them based on their supposed subhuman tendencies (animalistic = not able to care for themselves). I’m horrified that this was published.

      • Anonymous

        What’s that thing about stereotypes? Based on truth?

        Living in New York City, I see way too much of what the author describes above. I am female. And I laughed through the entire thing.

      • Lo

        Amelia…you…are…such an idiot. It is….a joke. I hope someone holds your face down on the freeway like a barbie on a treadmill so that you can shut the fuck up and die. Way to make everyone roll their eyes at the thought of feminism.

        • http://www.facebook.com/jess.hurst1 Jess Hurst

          And you made everyone think you’re a psycho because you want someone dead over a mild overreaction in the comments section of a Thought Catalog article.

        • http://www.facebook.com/calvin.a.miner Calvin Miner

          This post was meant to be laughed at… because the author supposes its all true- that is disgusting. This article is very misogynistic.

      • Oliver Miller

        Hey, the Jezebel comment section got lost and wandered into the Thought Catalog comment section and is all like “HEY BRAH WHAT’S UP.”

      • Nishant

        First up, I think everyone agrees this is a satirical exaggeration. Secondly, even within that exaggeration, it is only picking on the one stereotype, i.e. sorority girls.

        I don’t think you need to drag the history of gender oppression into this.

        EDIT: Okay, so it isn’t focussed on sorority girls. It’s more like “female party animals”. Still, the point stands.

      • Jukka

        Get a life. It’s funny.

    • mookie

      this article makes me feel vaguely & mysteriously uncomfortable.

    • guest

      How about one about guys, though?
      1. They talk shit about all the drunk females “that bitch is like soo drunk” *drool* *trip over nothing* “dude no i’m chillin it was just a stray hair in the carpet but that bitch over there now SHE’S smashed”2. They hit on every vagina in proximity “let’s talk about deep stuff dude i’m capable of that let’s go over in this dark corner and heart to heart”

      3. brag about how much they can drink “dude shut up i’m like eight beers deep you’re a pussy you only had five PUSSY” *Projectile*

      4. start beef “i don’t care that we’ve been friends since third grade, you spilled beer on my shirt therefore we should fight each other!”

      girls who don’t know each other get drunk and become best friends in the bathroom. boys who don’t know each other get drunk and end up fighting.

      • Nishant

        Just like this comment talks about a specific demographic within the male population, this article also only addresses a small segment of the females. So we can all rest easy and un-offended.

    • alexa

      yaaay, i got your “obscure” reference to the flintstones movie. ^.^

    • http://twitter.com/msaia27 Maria Saia

      I’m a female & I think this is hilarious and at times very true. 

    • http://twitter.com/kaduka Kate Mahoney

      I am a female, and I have never done most of these things, but I totally know girls who have. I thought this piece was hilarious!!

    • Anonymous

      Loved it! My friends love me tipsy/drunk as I am complimentary drunk. Need an ego boost?Just add alcohol!:P

    • http://www.facebook.com/calvin.a.miner Calvin Miner

      “When drunk girls want attention they spread their… wallets and buy a skanky dress from H&M”
      Why the slut-shaming? Men find certain dresses attractive, and girls, like real-live-human-beings, like to appear attractive. But why attack girls who try to be attractive as “skanky” and girls who might want to find a romantic partner as ‘attention-whores?’ What if there was a similar article, but inverted that made tacit assertions like all men are ‘attention whores’ and are pathetically superficial? I don’t think people would be laughing.

      • Nishant

        Because some girls are skanky and some girls are attention-whores.

        Just like some men are pathetically superficial and attention-whores (unfortunate repeat of adjective).

        We can laugh at both, yes.

        • Anonymous

          “They spread love like huskies.””the crazy things girls do when they’re drunk.”
          “a girl’s first reaction to being the least bit drunk is to deny deny deny”

          The blog isn’t about *some* girls, the blog is about *all* girls. The author makes no distinctions. Also, everyone is superficial, everyone wants attention, everyone wants to be loved. People fall on different parts of the spectrum, but its hypocritical to call *those* people “WHORES” and “SLUTS” when the author, me and you are no different. I know its meant to be humorous, but there are serious misogynistic and hypocritical assumptions that are being reinforced here. If this were a self-deprecating article without all the slut-shaming, that would be acceptable I think. However, the author sets up a tacit dichotomy between ‘us normal people’ and those sluts, those whoring girls. Also, the females that the author is talking about are almost certainly grown adults, not children. Why not give them the dignity of “woman?” Why are all females “girls,” as if they’re all children? I know you just wish we could all get together and laugh at this stuff, and I wouldn’t behave like I have a stick up my ass, but I cannot allow that. I just returned from a 3 week trip to Japan, a nation that never had a sexual revolution and has no significant feminist movement. Its easy to take for granted how much all the feminists with sticks up their asses changed things for the better in the USA.

        • Nishant

          Okay. I see what you mean. And yes, I think you’re right about Japan. I haven’t been there, but I get that impression from the socio-cultural news I have seen.

          I don’t think you’re wronging in thinking what you think or that any of your views are incorrect here, but I still think this article can be seen to refer to simply the typically skanky and attention-whorish girls. It’s clear the author’s views are only limited to a restricted section of the female population. She doesn’t categorically state that her references are limited to those girls, but it is strongly implied in an implicit manner from the way it is written and the things she talks about. That was the feeling I got from reading this, although yeah I didn’t find this article all that amusing per se.

          I can’t completely get your perspective on this, because I would have to be a woman for this particular situation to work, I think. Maybe the “raised in America and recently returned from Japan” would be needed too! :P

      • RD Shag

        Because any girl who would wear what is commonly known as a “skanky dress” (low cut, short skirt, skin tight, cut-outs optional but highly recommended) is a fucking skank and you need to recognize what is “sexy” and what is “skanky” and draw a broad ass line in there! Dang. It’s people like you who are shaming women in general, because lemme tell you, those men that find a skanky dress attractive are douchebags. You can be sexy without being skin tight or nearly having your nipples or asscrack and vajayjay hangin’ loose and a much more vast majority of men (including some/most of the men who like the skank look) will much more appreciate someone sexy. Skanky dresses just scream one thing: I’M EASY!!1111111oneoneoneeleventyone. And it’s usually true. Trollop.

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