What did you think your future was going to be when you were 13? Did you have dreams? Aspirations? Sadly, my brother did have all those things, but he will never see them come true, because he committed suicide.
It’s nearly been a year, May 6th, that’s when my life completely changed. But I don’t like to think only on the bad, my brother and I had a great relationship! He was that classic “pain in the ass” little brother, but he was my pain in the ass. We fought, played, and shared a love of football. But I’ll never get to do those things with him again and that kills me.
Zach was always the classic trouble maker. In kindergarten, Zach pulled the fire alarm at his school twice which warranted a visit from some frustrated firemen. As he grew up he began to play sports and simply fell in love with them. But along with this new found love came a new attitude, a strong one, but also a very closed off one. As he got older, he really didn’t like showing emotion that much — I wish I saw it back then.
Zach and I loved each other, he was my best friend! I had dealt with depression before, hell, I’ve contemplated suicide before too, which is why I wish he had come to me when he started to feel like that.
Then came May 6th. Truthfully I wish I could say that it was all a blur and that I couldn’t remember that day, but I can, very vividly. To find your younger sibling, the person you were supposed to protect, like that, you would know what true pain feels like. Why did he do it? Why didn’t he come to me for advice? Why would he leave me here all alone? He was supposed to be the best man in my wedding! HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE UNCLE TO MY CHILDREN! But in an instant, that was all taken away.
But I refuse to remember my brother like that. I remember him as the awesome football-playing pain in the ass that he always was. I miss him to death, but I’ve decided to turn a horrific situation into a learning experience.
If you are having these feelings, please read this paragraph very carefully. Do not choose a permanent solution to a temporary problem. The person that you are as you’re “on that ledge” is NOT the real you. It IS the you that is saying, “Just give up.” Please, don’t give up. We live in a world where you can talk to someone about your feelings across the world. Hell, if you are feeling down, DM my Twitter, I would love to help you in anyway I can. Suicide is never a true solution. Please stay here with us, your family needs you, your friends need you, and no matter how small you feel, the WORLD needs you.
I just wish I could tell my brother that right now. The picture above was taken in September of 2013. I was just starting my senior year of high school and he was just starting 7th grade. While he may have died eight months later, I want this image to live on and help people when I couldn’t.
R.I.P. Zach, I will always love you buddy. Let’s change the world.