If you’re dealing with a narcissist, chances are you’re left feeling defeated more times than you’d like. You’re walking on eggshells, feeling inadequate, and likely exhausted from making darn sure their ego is having a good trip.
But there’s good news honey; this can change!
What is a narcissist?
In short, a narcissist is an extremely self-centered person who needs affirmed and admired all the time. They feel entitled to everything good, hate criticism, and need to be surrounded by those who can continually feel their super-sized, inflatable ego.
But they come at you ninja style, all sleek and sly. They’ll pull their charm out of their pockets and “woo” you to the moon and back. You’ll think you’ve finally met the person of your dreams and likely be raving about how sweet and thoughtful they are to your friends.
Until they pull a switcharoo on you and start dropping, “I am the most important person in the universe and you’re my slave” bombs.
Keep your narcissism detector on
Narcissists want a relationship and oftentimes need one so they can have someone look after their needs. They’re usually controlling and manipulative, consciously or subconsciously looking for someone who has codependent characteristics.
Because codependents are easier to manipulate into becoming the narcissist’s caretaking slave.
Now, whether you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, or have a family member or friend that tends to sway to the narcissistic tune, the following are key phrases that you can memorize that can disarm the narcissist. Learn them and practice them, because as you do, you step more into your power. You gain more of your “self” back.
And, hopefully, you’ll stop the narcissist in their tracks, causing them to look elsewhere for their next hit of “I am God’s gift to you.”
Comments to diffuse a narcissist:
The first thing you can say to disarm a narcissist is “No.” It’s that simple. Now I know that’s going to be challenging for some of you, but you have every right to say “No” and not have to explain yourself either. Remember, what you want and need in a relationship matters, and if you don’t want to do something, here’s your permission to say “No” and not feel bad about it.
2. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
Granted, everyone is entitled to feel their feelings. You, the narcissist, everyone. But their feelings are theirs; not yours. If they’re feeling angry because they thought you should have paid for their dinner, while you didn’t want to, simply say, “I’m sorry you feel that way”. Or maybe they come home ranting and raving about how awful their boss is. Rather than go into “fix it” mode, simply say, “Oh honey, I’m sorry you feel that way.”
And that’s it. You don’t go on a two-minute spiel trying to make them feel better. You don’t have to start caretaking or feeling like you’re responsible for their feelings, because you’re not!
Just say, “I’m sorry you feel that way” and keep it moving. They are responsible for dealing with their feelings; it’s not on your shoulders.
3. “I’m not willing to talk about that right now.”
When you make the effort to bring up something to the attention of the narcissist, (like maybe he’s being an a-hole), he may start firing off all the times in the past you did something he perceived as wrong or hurtful. He won’t want to keep the conversation about the present issue (that hurts his ego). He won’t want the spotlight on his a-hole behavior, so he’ll steer that topic away from himself and onto you or others. This is your chance to calmly, say, “I’m not willing to talk about that right now. This is about you right now. Your behavior right now. This is what I want to discuss.”
This is another opportunity for you to step into or remain in your power, not letting him get the topic off course.
4. “I am strong, confident, and assertive.”
A narcissist probably won’t like to hear you define yourself as strong, confident, and assertive. They’ll likely try to keep you from feeling such, so it’s important that you continue to work on embodying these characteristics. If the narcissist tries to undermine your emotions or reality, try not to react. Remain mindful of your current reality that you are strong, confident, and assertive. Silently claim it for yourself or calmly present such truth to the narcissist. And, if a negative reaction from the narcissist follows, pay no attention to it.
5. “I do not accept your skewed perception of me.”
A narcissist will come at you with all sorts of thoughts and feelings about how you’re weak, needy, too emotionally, overly sensitive, crazy, etc. However, you do NOT have to accept their perception of you. Sure, they can have their faulty views, but you don’t have to accept it as your own. You can let them have it, but you don’t have to receive it.
Summing it up
If you find yourself on the opposite side of someone who is all about them, learning key phrases can help you step into your power and disarm the narcissist at the same time. Take some time to learn such phrases and practice them till you have them down-pat. As you do, you’ll grow more confident in yourself and diffuse narcissists in no time!