For My Next Chapter, I Shall Prioritize My Self-Worth

“I am enough.” I have always failed to remind myself of this whenever I go into any relationship. I would always open every book and start a chapter with insecurities and doubts. I would overcompensate just to make someone stay. In this case, it was our book.

In the beginning, I accepted all the half-hearted bullshit you put me through, thinking I was so lucky that you put up with someone like me. I accepted the way you treated me with your vague explanations and dishonesty because I always thought your treatment was the only suitable option. I used to overthink, always on the verge of crying alone and having a series of internal meltdowns trying to be good enough for you.

I guess I allowed this book to be written without loving myself enough; hence, I placed you on a pedestal. I gave more than what I received. I understood more than I was being heard. I focused on your wants over my needs. I made you a priority when I was just one of your options. I laid my heart out in the open, vulnerable enough to be twisted by your contradicting actions and empty promises.

Our book continued until it reached the climax. My anxiety kept growing as more questions were left unanswered. How have we made it this far without any security and assurance for my heart? I never dared to ask because I knew your response would be rejection. Instead, I put up with this scheme, for I deemed myself unworthy of your commitment. I believed I was not meant to be loved and cherished wholeheartedly, or to be shown to the world unashamedly. Maybe all I ever truly deserve was a maybe. So I let you keep me as your maybe.

But then, the denouement came and I slowly began to realize it was you who did not deserve me. Gradually, I started to notice how you took me for granted. I knew I wasn’t perfect, but I gave you my sincere acts of service, affection, and love. Yet what I got in return was a web of lies and false words of affirmation. The moment we faced our first major hardship together, you easily lost your loyalty. You left me in the battle all alone. When I was not the most convenient choice anymore, you immediately fled and abandoned the ship. I tried to fight for us until the end, but in less than a heartbeat, you let go of me.

“I am more than enough,” I finally said to myself once we arrived at the resolution. At the end of the day, you decided to match my bravery with your pathetic act of cowardice. You failed to keep the trust and respect we were supposed to have for each other. I bore all the load and did all the heavy lifting and labor we were supposed to carry together.

Thus, I am starting to gather all the courage and strength to finally let you go. I am starting to erase you from my future, just like how you never pictured yours with me in it. I am starting to comprehend that your reactions to my actions speak more about your character than my worth. I am starting to accept you were not the right person for me.

For the right one would match all the efforts I have made and more. The right one would never let me question my self-worth. The right one would love me as much as I love them.

As for the conclusion, I am finally closing our book. This time, I plan to write a new story on my own. I shall compose new meaningful chapters. They will contain only the genuine moments; the people who truly appreciate my utmost understanding and undying love; and most importantly, the part of me that works on loving myself.

In a way, I have you to thank for being able to recognize my real value. Although I built up your character with love and you built up mine with hurt, to me it doesn’t matter anymore. As my new chapter begins, I am learning how to appreciate myself more and how to fight for what I want and what I truly deserve.

About the author
Thoughts are meant to be immortalised, so I'm writing them. Follow DJ on Instagram or read more articles from DJ on Thought Catalog.

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