(And jump doesn’t really mean jump.
It means to fall. For you.)
I really want to jump,
But my heart whimpers out that it is weak.
That, it has no barriers for minor scrapes and cuts anymore. It translates a whisper as a shout and shrivels at caresses of the sharp wind. One more gash and it will perish.
No thick, hot tears will cauterize that wound again. My heart prophesied, that the next time it is cut open, will be the last time.
My heart is a war-torn, broken soldier, who sees explosions in fireworks. Where others see beauty in the breaking of a dandelion’s wings, it sees death. My scared heart has forgotten that wishes and dreams ride on those wings across the universe.
My heart houses a deep pond, with a shiny surface. It doesn’t reflect the present, for its brimming with the past. There are beautiful corpses of people-I-could-have-been and lovers-which-could-have-stayed. They all look so pretty, frozen beyond that shiny surface, no wonder my heart chooses to preserve them. Untouched, unforgotten, un-free from the past.
My heart — It demands a safety net before jumping. It wants sureties and guarantees. Without which, it will claw into my skin and sink its teeth to stop me.
It used to be soft once upon a time, my heart. It used to smile at raindrops splattered across my face, it would swell with the tides on a warm beach-side sunset, it would thrum with the pulse of the Milky Way under a star-spangled sky.
And most of all, it believed. It believed in all the words it heard from the soft lips of love. It sunk into every embrace. It swelled and shrank and glowed and sang and felt and felt and felt…
Until one day, it didn’t. It couldn’t. And then it chose not to.
And now, my heart is a wild beast which is driven by fear. It will pull me into the abyss of the pond and leave me wet and panting before I have a chance to fall for you.
Even though I show the possibilities. Sunrise, rainbow, storm, and calm.
Even though it knows them all. Sunrise, rainbow, storm, and calm. And gone.
I want to jump.
And jump doesn’t really mean jump.
It means to fall. For you.
Hopelessly, Irrevocably, Madly.
Just like my heart would’ve wanted.
Because otherwise – What is the point of it all?