Imagine a smiley, pretty girl standing on a beach with her eyes closed and arms raised, hair being caressed by the wind, and waves lapping at her bare feet.
Look how happy she is. She probably doesn’t need to write an article about how she has moved on in life. You can see that in her picture-perfect frame shot against a perfect sunset and with her head full of perfect hair.
Me, I just came back from a dermatologist’s appointment because my hair is falling out in clumps and my acne is back and did I tell you it’s 40 degrees Celsius outside so no pretty picture for me right now!
So, I have a funny feeling that I might be moving on. I mean I feel like a weight has lifted, and I don’t have an obligation to be sad/angry/nihilistic anymore. It’s funny because I feel good; but also cheated. Massively. And THAT, I don’t feel good about.
I mean — THIS is how it’s supposed to feel? Like nothing in particular? But everything in general?
Talk about much ado about nothing!
First up — There’s no SPRING in my step. I mean, c’mon! This one was a sitter. I should have been walking more, umm, chirpily. Skipping even. But no, all I have is catching my reflections off glasses and straightening my perpetual slouch. How is that supposed to make me feel good, Universe? Slouchi-ly dragging myself from place to place in this sweltering heat — how good is that for my moment of glory archives?
Secondly, I was promised background music in life. Like a happy indie track while I went about slouching my way in the world. I’m disappointed to tell you, no, the music doesn’t sound suddenly better. My playlist is still the same six trashy songs from the 90s — which I intersperse with acoustic covers to force my ears to grow as people — and the songs still sound just as amazing as they did during my sad, goth heartbreak phase. Maybe it’s just hard to improve perfection! This one is a tie maybe.
Thirdly — oh, and this gets me riled up — I’m not suddenly a pleasant, happy, smiling angel. I never was — but again dear you, look at that girl. I want to have that ‘hands in the air, like I just don’t care’ beach photo too. But firstly, my friends are morons who can’t ditch their work. Secondly, I can’t ditch my work. Thirdly, even if the first two things were to happen, it’s more likely we’d end up sitting on a beach shack, tearing into cheap beer and snacks, passing cynical commentary on people. Universe, your false advertising claims were just ridiculous on this one!
And lastly, and this was the bare minimum Universe. I had no final epic dialogue closure which left me brimming with self worth and confidence. No final parting words where I could sign off with a killer line like — “… ermmm”. (I don’t know okay, I didn’t get to this point remember!)
Nope. Still the same old me with my personal brand of self-esteem issues. Although, thankfully this is why I didn’t also sign up for any life-changing trips (read point three), location changes, or *gasp* BANGS!
So Universe, you have been a massive disappointment in this whole ‘Moving On’ ride. I shall give this feedback to your manager.
Hope others can learn from my mistakes and lower their expectations accordingly!
Issued in Public Interest.